Same Sex Marriage

Sunday, Miss California might have thrown away the chance to become Miss USA. She certainly did not get “fabulous” Perez Hilton’s vote. While I could sit here and talk about the legitimacy of an event that uses Mr. Hilton as a judge, I do think the spectacle raised a good issue that seems to be getting hotter and hotter because now Iowa and Vermont have legalized same sex marriage.

I wrote about this topic a while ago and if anything my belief that we should allow two people to enter this kind of union regardless of sex is even stronger now.

To even enter this discussion I now ask people the following question. Do you believe that being gay is a choice or innate?

The gay people I have talked to have always told me how difficult a live as an openly gay person can be, and that many people would not chose that life. While there has to be exceptions to every rule, for me it is the way that you are born. From what I have read, science tends to back that up also. I have formed this opinion over years and friendships, however the thing that tipped the scale over was that most gay people I have talked to believed were born that way. People like Ted Haggard might believe that those “impulses” is something that can be “cured,” but I think it only leads to pain and deceit.

I believe that fighting to keep people from getting married is a waste of energy. Proclaiming that it should be only between a man and a woman is a pretty weak argument in today’s world. I understand that government sees the potential for children as the basis for the language in marriage law, but I certainly think that more and more people chose not to have children but still enter the covenant of marriage.

I think conservatives should really concentrate on how to keep marriages together before they start telling other people what to do or not to. Divorce to me is a way bigger problem than same sex marriage. The only marriage prevention I would like to see is letting people that are too young or unprepared for the commitment enter into marriage. Educating people before they get into marriage I think would prevent a lot of divorces, maybe even discourage some from even entering into them, but this is a topic for some other day.

Perez Hilton is someone I don’t particularly like and actually think he helps fuel the whole celebrity culture that swallowed what used to be pop culture. However, he does have a point when he says that Miss California should be trying to unite rather than to give her personal opinion when giving the Miss USA stage. Same sex marriage should be legal for many reasons, and we need to start making this a human issue and not a gay issue. Homosexuals are humans and should be allowed the same rights.

Sexual Desire

I started writing about sex because of how many of my friends were experiencing a difficult time in their relationship. I never expected to reach more people with it, nor did I expect that a greater percentage of my friends than the ones that had talked to me had been having problems with sex. I don’t claim to be a sex expert, but I do claim to be having a healthy marriage with a healthy sex life. I also know what bad sex is like and what it can do to a relationship.

I was the most surprised when the Sex Workers Outreach Project linked my bad sex post. I then exchanged e-mails with Amanda Brooks who used to be an escort and is now a writer. She said that there were not many man writing about sex the way I was. Then she wrote the following.

One double-standard you almost touched on: it’s okay for a woman to use sex as a weapon in a relationship but not okay for man to have sexual desires – even if he doesn’t act on them. Would love to see your thoughts on that.

This weekend while watching a movie with some of our friends who are a couple, the wife mentioned that her husband’s father used to be a Playboy subscriber. She said that she would not be ok with her husband getting the magazine every month because she knows what the magazine is used for, implying masturbation.

I believe that a man that has sex withheld from him by either his parter or religion is going to find an outlet for it. I know many man use pornography as a outlet for their sexual desires, but this can lead down the road of addiction. Personally exotic dancing does not excite me because I logically know that any attention I am given there is directly related to the money the woman thinks she is going to make, but I think this also can become an addiction if the only positive female attention you get is by paying. I have very limited knowledge on escort services or prostitution but one of my friends has paid for sex before. His experience was positive to the point that he has used them again, but I also believe that it creates a false sense of what sex is supposed to be for a relationship.

Christians think masturbation is a sin because of lust being a sin, however I have not seen a one eyed Christian in a long time. The last sentence being a reference to the following piece of scripture often referenced

Matt 5:28-29 (NIV) [Jesus:] “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

I find that so many people pick and chose what is law from the bible and what is to be updated with the times. Based on this scripture I think many Christian man should be walking around with patches. I personally do not believe that way and have never thought of the bible as a literal book. So what is a man to do that is not getting sex from his wife and his religion is telling him that he should not masturbate?

The reality is that eventually a wet dream will occur just because of physiological reasons. I don’t know if with age the production of semen will decrease making it harder to have a wet dream like it happens while we are in our teens, but I do think that man do end up masturbating and then feeling guilty about it.

Masturbation can be used in a very positive way. Like sex it releases stress and can help the minute man become a 30 minute man. Masturbation is something that can be done together and not stigmatized.

Even in a healthy relationship I think that sexual desire should not be seen as a bad thing. I think that humans have to be stimulated and as woman like to be given flowers and held after sex, man like to also feel desired and admire the female form. Like anything else anything can become an addiction so if porn or masturbation become more important than intimacy with your partner there is a cause of concern. Just never enter the vicious cycle of withholding sex and then making your partner feel guilty when he resorts to masturbation as a way to release tension. (pun intended).

Religion and Sex

Politics and religion are taboo subjects for a lot of people, but thankfully the blogsphere is changing that. I seriously did not think that so many people would read and react (even though not directly on the comment box) to my Bad Sex post. I actually have about five different topics to be developed just from that post alone. That made me really start thinking about writing more on the subject. I am not a sex expert, but I have had sex. I have had bad sexual experiences as well as good ones. I have had problems in a relationship due to sex and also enjoy a happy sex life now. I also feel no shame when I talk about sex, but that does not mean that I am not familiar with what that feeling can do to sex.

One of my biggest problems with religion is that it separates a lot more than it unifies. First we have the people that believe in something bigger than just them and those that don’t. Then in the group of people that believe, we have more division and a lot more incentives to stay that way. Sex plays a big role on religion even if some people like to simplify it with the for procreation only banter. Sex made to be a dirty act negates our needs as humans.

Like the need to eat to survive, sex is something that is wired into our instincts. People that do not acknowledge that are as blind as those that think that living in a compound and giving up your 14 year old to a 40 year old to marry is all good because a leader said so. Sex is something that takes a lot of effort to suppress, but like an anorexic will tell you, it is suppressible none the less. So why does religion want to put a chastity belt on something that feels so good?

I believe it has something to do with the line that religion draws in the sand and likes to call perversion. While sex between two consenting adults should not be a matter of public scrutiny, religion likes to make it their business to tell them how they should have it. Some people might think it is crazy to let religion tell them what to eat, but they forget that some people do not drink caffeine, pork or beef because their religion tells them to.

I do not need religion to tell me the different between right and wrong because my own morals tell me that. I also do not need to them to tell me what music I should listen to and what food I should eat. I do not want them in my bedroom at all… however they have been there several times until I decided to drive them out.

There are many ramifications to this subject, but for today I would like to point out a common one. Sex before marriage.

While I respect people that stay pure until marriage I think it is a big mistake. It is a huge mistake when only one has experience and a bigger one if both are inexperienced. If you come from a very conservative household it is very likely that you have never discussed sex with anyone. If you are also surrounded by people that are also very conservative your sources for information become very limited and sometimes not the best.

Pornography for example is one of the worse places to look for sexual direction. It is not only unrealistic but also geared towards very specific audiences. If someone has never had sex before and they see a run of the mill porn movie they are going to buy immediately into the sex is dirty and anything but missionary position is a sin. It is like giving a ten course meal to someone that is starving, it will overwhelm them.

If you have never had sex with the lights on while trying different positions and speed you are missing out. It is like always having French Fries while they are cold, without salt and saggy. While you might not like spicy curly fries after you try them, you might love them hot and dipped in ketchup or maybe even mayo. The key is to give it a try.

So if you have never given yourself the chance and you are too ashamed to even admit it or scared to look in the net. There is this book called the Kamasutra which I believe is a good place to start. Pick up a copy of one that is not necessarily pornographic from your local book store and share it together. If you end up getting your partner to at least try one of the positions there you are taking what I think is a step in the right direction.

Bad Sex

Sex is supposed to be a good thing, but even this article shows us that it seems people need to be convinced. Why is it that so many people today need to be told that sex is a good thing? Isn’t the continuation of our species a good enough cause? Did people forget it feels good?

The moment our significant others start having sex with us because it might help lower their blood pressure or make them lose weight instead of because they love us and love making love to us, we are in trouble!

This topic is becoming almost depressing for me. It should be the complete opposite since I have a very healthy sexual life and without going into details I am pretty satisfied. However, what it seems like a high percentage of my friends are going through some difficult times in this department and I am sad to say I know how that feels. I not only saw it ruin relationships but it actually ended a couple of marriages close to me.

I have been in 5 long term relationships where there was regular sex. Yes I did have premarital sex and I am all for it, but that is a topic for another post. Out of those relationships where sex was involved only one of them had horrible sex, and the reason for it was that the relationship was the worse I have ever been into.

Bad sex can deteriorate a relationship very quickly, however many people don’t understand that it is directly related to the health of the relationship. I believe our current society is killing any chance for relationships to be healthy because of extremes. The people that look at sex in a very open free way tend to take it almost as far as the people that think it should only be for recreation.

I try to always look at both sides of the coin, but I only have the male perspective on this matter and I can tell you what killed sex for me in the past. I also know that it was also responsible to for relationship dynamic deterioration and more importantly my emasculation. Males need sex as much as females need to be told they are pretty, cuddled with and romanced. While we appreciate a hey, you clean up nice when we put a suit on, the ultimate compliment for a male is when his woman tells him she wants him in bed.

Sex started good in that relationship, but it quickly deteriorated. What started the problem is that sex became currency in the relationship. I think the moment the sex become a service provided for one of the people in the relationship, a marriage becomes more or less a form of prostitution. Yes, I did go that far, because prostitution is defined as the act or practice of engaging in sexual relations in exchange for something, especially for money.

The moment you hear, if you pick up the kids I will do that thing you like and you are excited because you have not had sex for more than a week, you my friend are in trouble. I have actually encountered several posts where one of the people in the relationship asks how much sex is normal… it really bothers me that in our society it have become so taboo to talk about sex that we have to ask strangers to convince the other person in our relationship that we should have more sex.

Sex became so bad for me in that relationship that it was a chore that nobody wanted to do. I ended up with performance problems, anxiety, guilt and all kinds of other problems which surprisingly went away once I was out of that horrible relationship. Worse is I ended up not liking sex with that person all that much, but then I had no other outlets so the frustration would just build up.

While that was not the only problem with that relationship, I think it can destroy a relationship or actually destroy people. A man that has to beg his spouse for sex becomes more and more emasculated with time, which I believe will cause conflict. Any kind of frustration will create resentment and eventually it will just end up being something else in a to do list and not the fun, loving, intimate thing sex is supposed to be for a couple.

So if you are in this situation right now what do you do?

First you have to address the problem in an open way. No games to be played here, they will only lead to power struggles. Convince your partner that sex is not for you, it is for the relationship and it should not become currency. If the other person really does not want to have sex it is probably due to an external factor.

If the problem is attraction or libido, there are plenty of ways to fix that. If the problem is more psychological, then you need to also address it. If the problem is lack of time, then make it a priority and make time. The only thing that you should not do is just ignore it, or say it will get better or come back. Believe me, it will get worse before it gets better. A marriage is a lot of work, don’t make sex something that feels like work.

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