“Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
― Elizabeth Stone
My wife finds it hilarious, I find it a little disturbing. The first words out of my mouth when the test came back positive were “I’ve never got anyone pregnant before.” You would think something more eloquent might have come to mind, but nope, that is what came out. I had been in long term relationships before that could have produced a child, even tried to have a baby. It really never worked, not even a little bit.
I had seen friends and acquaintances go through the horrible miscarriage roller-coaster. I had even accepted the reality that my only way to parenting was going to be adoption. I respect adoption and in many ways admire it, in fact it might be something that we still do some day. I never felt any level of failure because of not having a kid before, but I knew for the other person in the relationship it was at times devastating.
I always tried to not only stay positive but encourage the other person. I still to this day believe that procreation should not be the only reason to enter a relationship. To me that is silly and it basically diminishes the many reasons to have a life long partner.
Still, I never got anyone else pregnant before.
Then the fear started to set in. I overthink things and have become very good at rationalizing fears and casting them out, this one was a new one though and one that does not go away with a good night of sleep. The viability of a fetus is measured in percentages. The genetic testing also gives you percentages. Numbers, number and more numbers. The thing that normally give me solace provided little or no comfort.
Things started to calm down as some milestones came and went. Ultrasounds help! as a Dad try not to miss them. They bring a level of reality and calm you down a bit. Information is always a double edge sword that can work against you but try your best to just take it for what it is. I did lean towards the side of wanting to know more to be prepared.
I say fear is the new thing in my life, constant fear that something can go wrong. Funny enough it was one of the feelings that I was less familiar with because growing up the way I did I had experienced things that had made me not fear much in life. Now the health and well being of our child is a constant fear that I am starting to get used to and channel in a positive way.