Sex is supposed to be a good thing, but even this article shows us that it seems people need to be convinced. Why is it that so many people today need to be told that sex is a good thing? Isn’t the continuation of our species a good enough cause? Did people forget it feels good?
The moment our significant others start having sex with us because it might help lower their blood pressure or make them lose weight instead of because they love us and love making love to us, we are in trouble!
This topic is becoming almost depressing for me. It should be the complete opposite since I have a very healthy sexual life and without going into details I am pretty satisfied. However, what it seems like a high percentage of my friends are going through some difficult times in this department and I am sad to say I know how that feels. I not only saw it ruin relationships but it actually ended a couple of marriages close to me.
I have been in 5 long term relationships where there was regular sex. Yes I did have premarital sex and I am all for it, but that is a topic for another post. Out of those relationships where sex was involved only one of them had horrible sex, and the reason for it was that the relationship was the worse I have ever been into.
Bad sex can deteriorate a relationship very quickly, however many people don’t understand that it is directly related to the health of the relationship. I believe our current society is killing any chance for relationships to be healthy because of extremes. The people that look at sex in a very open free way tend to take it almost as far as the people that think it should only be for recreation.
I try to always look at both sides of the coin, but I only have the male perspective on this matter and I can tell you what killed sex for me in the past. I also know that it was also responsible to for relationship dynamic deterioration and more importantly my emasculation. Males need sex as much as females need to be told they are pretty, cuddled with and romanced. While we appreciate a hey, you clean up nice when we put a suit on, the ultimate compliment for a male is when his woman tells him she wants him in bed.
Sex started good in that relationship, but it quickly deteriorated. What started the problem is that sex became currency in the relationship. I think the moment the sex become a service provided for one of the people in the relationship, a marriage becomes more or less a form of prostitution. Yes, I did go that far, because prostitution is defined as the act or practice of engaging in sexual relations in exchange for something, especially for money.
The moment you hear, if you pick up the kids I will do that thing you like and you are excited because you have not had sex for more than a week, you my friend are in trouble. I have actually encountered several posts where one of the people in the relationship asks how much sex is normal… it really bothers me that in our society it have become so taboo to talk about sex that we have to ask strangers to convince the other person in our relationship that we should have more sex.
Sex became so bad for me in that relationship that it was a chore that nobody wanted to do. I ended up with performance problems, anxiety, guilt and all kinds of other problems which surprisingly went away once I was out of that horrible relationship. Worse is I ended up not liking sex with that person all that much, but then I had no other outlets so the frustration would just build up.
While that was not the only problem with that relationship, I think it can destroy a relationship or actually destroy people. A man that has to beg his spouse for sex becomes more and more emasculated with time, which I believe will cause conflict. Any kind of frustration will create resentment and eventually it will just end up being something else in a to do list and not the fun, loving, intimate thing sex is supposed to be for a couple.
So if you are in this situation right now what do you do?
First you have to address the problem in an open way. No games to be played here, they will only lead to power struggles. Convince your partner that sex is not for you, it is for the relationship and it should not become currency. If the other person really does not want to have sex it is probably due to an external factor.
If the problem is attraction or libido, there are plenty of ways to fix that. If the problem is more psychological, then you need to also address it. If the problem is lack of time, then make it a priority and make time. The only thing that you should not do is just ignore it, or say it will get better or come back. Believe me, it will get worse before it gets better. A marriage is a lot of work, don’t make sex something that feels like work.