Sexual Desire

I started writing about sex because of how many of my friends were experiencing a difficult time in their relationship. I never expected to reach more people with it, nor did I expect that a greater percentage of my friends than the ones that had talked to me had been having problems with sex. I don’t claim to be a sex expert, but I do claim to be having a healthy marriage with a healthy sex life. I also know what bad sex is like and what it can do to a relationship.

I was the most surprised when the Sex Workers Outreach Project linked my bad sex post. I then exchanged e-mails with Amanda Brooks who used to be an escort and is now a writer. She said that there were not many man writing about sex the way I was. Then she wrote the following.

One double-standard you almost touched on: it’s okay for a woman to use sex as a weapon in a relationship but not okay for man to have sexual desires – even if he doesn’t act on them. Would love to see your thoughts on that.

This weekend while watching a movie with some of our friends who are a couple, the wife mentioned that her husband’s father used to be a Playboy subscriber. She said that she would not be ok with her husband getting the magazine every month because she knows what the magazine is used for, implying masturbation.

I believe that a man that has sex withheld from him by either his parter or religion is going to find an outlet for it. I know many man use pornography as a outlet for their sexual desires, but this can lead down the road of addiction. Personally exotic dancing does not excite me because I logically know that any attention I am given there is directly related to the money the woman thinks she is going to make, but I think this also can become an addiction if the only positive female attention you get is by paying. I have very limited knowledge on escort services or prostitution but one of my friends has paid for sex before. His experience was positive to the point that he has used them again, but I also believe that it creates a false sense of what sex is supposed to be for a relationship.

Christians think masturbation is a sin because of lust being a sin, however I have not seen a one eyed Christian in a long time. The last sentence being a reference to the following piece of scripture often referenced

Matt 5:28-29 (NIV) [Jesus:] “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

I find that so many people pick and chose what is law from the bible and what is to be updated with the times. Based on this scripture I think many Christian man should be walking around with patches. I personally do not believe that way and have never thought of the bible as a literal book. So what is a man to do that is not getting sex from his wife and his religion is telling him that he should not masturbate?

The reality is that eventually a wet dream will occur just because of physiological reasons. I don’t know if with age the production of semen will decrease making it harder to have a wet dream like it happens while we are in our teens, but I do think that man do end up masturbating and then feeling guilty about it.

Masturbation can be used in a very positive way. Like sex it releases stress and can help the minute man become a 30 minute man. Masturbation is something that can be done together and not stigmatized.

Even in a healthy relationship I think that sexual desire should not be seen as a bad thing. I think that humans have to be stimulated and as woman like to be given flowers and held after sex, man like to also feel desired and admire the female form. Like anything else anything can become an addiction so if porn or masturbation become more important than intimacy with your partner there is a cause of concern. Just never enter the vicious cycle of withholding sex and then making your partner feel guilty when he resorts to masturbation as a way to release tension. (pun intended).

Religion and Sex

Politics and religion are taboo subjects for a lot of people, but thankfully the blogsphere is changing that. I seriously did not think that so many people would read and react (even though not directly on the comment box) to my Bad Sex post. I actually have about five different topics to be developed just from that post alone. That made me really start thinking about writing more on the subject. I am not a sex expert, but I have had sex. I have had bad sexual experiences as well as good ones. I have had problems in a relationship due to sex and also enjoy a happy sex life now. I also feel no shame when I talk about sex, but that does not mean that I am not familiar with what that feeling can do to sex.

One of my biggest problems with religion is that it separates a lot more than it unifies. First we have the people that believe in something bigger than just them and those that don’t. Then in the group of people that believe, we have more division and a lot more incentives to stay that way. Sex plays a big role on religion even if some people like to simplify it with the for procreation only banter. Sex made to be a dirty act negates our needs as humans.

Like the need to eat to survive, sex is something that is wired into our instincts. People that do not acknowledge that are as blind as those that think that living in a compound and giving up your 14 year old to a 40 year old to marry is all good because a leader said so. Sex is something that takes a lot of effort to suppress, but like an anorexic will tell you, it is suppressible none the less. So why does religion want to put a chastity belt on something that feels so good?

I believe it has something to do with the line that religion draws in the sand and likes to call perversion. While sex between two consenting adults should not be a matter of public scrutiny, religion likes to make it their business to tell them how they should have it. Some people might think it is crazy to let religion tell them what to eat, but they forget that some people do not drink caffeine, pork or beef because their religion tells them to.

I do not need religion to tell me the different between right and wrong because my own morals tell me that. I also do not need to them to tell me what music I should listen to and what food I should eat. I do not want them in my bedroom at all… however they have been there several times until I decided to drive them out.

There are many ramifications to this subject, but for today I would like to point out a common one. Sex before marriage.

While I respect people that stay pure until marriage I think it is a big mistake. It is a huge mistake when only one has experience and a bigger one if both are inexperienced. If you come from a very conservative household it is very likely that you have never discussed sex with anyone. If you are also surrounded by people that are also very conservative your sources for information become very limited and sometimes not the best.

Pornography for example is one of the worse places to look for sexual direction. It is not only unrealistic but also geared towards very specific audiences. If someone has never had sex before and they see a run of the mill porn movie they are going to buy immediately into the sex is dirty and anything but missionary position is a sin. It is like giving a ten course meal to someone that is starving, it will overwhelm them.

If you have never had sex with the lights on while trying different positions and speed you are missing out. It is like always having French Fries while they are cold, without salt and saggy. While you might not like spicy curly fries after you try them, you might love them hot and dipped in ketchup or maybe even mayo. The key is to give it a try.

So if you have never given yourself the chance and you are too ashamed to even admit it or scared to look in the net. There is this book called the Kamasutra which I believe is a good place to start. Pick up a copy of one that is not necessarily pornographic from your local book store and share it together. If you end up getting your partner to at least try one of the positions there you are taking what I think is a step in the right direction.

Sex Actually

It seems that sex sells. While for the most part I have refrained from posting about sex too much, mainly because I already get enough porn comment spam as it is. It seems that sex is something that needs to be talked about. I think it makes people either uncomfortable or curious. Which one are you?

I posted about bad sex last week and I got responses to it directly to my e-mail. It seems like sex is just something that not everyone is willing to discuss out in the open. While I do not condone total raunchiness here, I do not see anything wrong with having discussions about sex. Then I posted about Christmas and I happened to mention the movie Love Actually that I consider a Christmas movie after watching it, but it seemed to have sparked somewhat of a controversy.

If you read the comments you can see that I seem to have some pretty radical views. I then realized how taboo sex is in this society. From Janet’s boob becoming a topic of discussion. I posted about this topic in the past and how prohibition makes it almost something to try. I was able to drink beer from a very young age, and I never really felt a desire to get drunk on it.

The movie love actually is about love, but Mark saw it as a movie where the message was Love = Sex. Did we see the same movie?

I think this is where perspective changes everything. I see sex as an huge part of an intimate relationship, I put it up there at about 50% of a relationship. There has to be attraction to the other person in order to achieve ultimate intimacy. There has to be trust, commitment and love… but sex is just as necessary. Slow sweet sex as well as sweaty out of breath bed shaking sex. I believe that when a movie shows sex in regular Hollywood movies they do it in a very cheap way… the guy has to get laid as almost the holy grail that happens once in the movie before he does… do people really only have sex once?

The sex I like to see in movies is the real one, the one that gets interrupted, the one that has been built up for years, the one that consummates a relationship. Love actually had some of that, but the movie was not about sex, it was about love. Please, if you have seen the movie weight in… is it really that bad? is it over the top sexy?

Bad Sex

Sex is supposed to be a good thing, but even this article shows us that it seems people need to be convinced. Why is it that so many people today need to be told that sex is a good thing? Isn’t the continuation of our species a good enough cause? Did people forget it feels good?

The moment our significant others start having sex with us because it might help lower their blood pressure or make them lose weight instead of because they love us and love making love to us, we are in trouble!

This topic is becoming almost depressing for me. It should be the complete opposite since I have a very healthy sexual life and without going into details I am pretty satisfied. However, what it seems like a high percentage of my friends are going through some difficult times in this department and I am sad to say I know how that feels. I not only saw it ruin relationships but it actually ended a couple of marriages close to me.

I have been in 5 long term relationships where there was regular sex. Yes I did have premarital sex and I am all for it, but that is a topic for another post. Out of those relationships where sex was involved only one of them had horrible sex, and the reason for it was that the relationship was the worse I have ever been into.

Bad sex can deteriorate a relationship very quickly, however many people don’t understand that it is directly related to the health of the relationship. I believe our current society is killing any chance for relationships to be healthy because of extremes. The people that look at sex in a very open free way tend to take it almost as far as the people that think it should only be for recreation.

I try to always look at both sides of the coin, but I only have the male perspective on this matter and I can tell you what killed sex for me in the past. I also know that it was also responsible to for relationship dynamic deterioration and more importantly my emasculation. Males need sex as much as females need to be told they are pretty, cuddled with and romanced. While we appreciate a hey, you clean up nice when we put a suit on, the ultimate compliment for a male is when his woman tells him she wants him in bed.

Sex started good in that relationship, but it quickly deteriorated. What started the problem is that sex became currency in the relationship. I think the moment the sex become a service provided for one of the people in the relationship, a marriage becomes more or less a form of prostitution. Yes, I did go that far, because prostitution is defined as the act or practice of engaging in sexual relations in exchange for something, especially for money.

The moment you hear, if you pick up the kids I will do that thing you like and you are excited because you have not had sex for more than a week, you my friend are in trouble. I have actually encountered several posts where one of the people in the relationship asks how much sex is normal… it really bothers me that in our society it have become so taboo to talk about sex that we have to ask strangers to convince the other person in our relationship that we should have more sex.

Sex became so bad for me in that relationship that it was a chore that nobody wanted to do. I ended up with performance problems, anxiety, guilt and all kinds of other problems which surprisingly went away once I was out of that horrible relationship. Worse is I ended up not liking sex with that person all that much, but then I had no other outlets so the frustration would just build up.

While that was not the only problem with that relationship, I think it can destroy a relationship or actually destroy people. A man that has to beg his spouse for sex becomes more and more emasculated with time, which I believe will cause conflict. Any kind of frustration will create resentment and eventually it will just end up being something else in a to do list and not the fun, loving, intimate thing sex is supposed to be for a couple.

So if you are in this situation right now what do you do?

First you have to address the problem in an open way. No games to be played here, they will only lead to power struggles. Convince your partner that sex is not for you, it is for the relationship and it should not become currency. If the other person really does not want to have sex it is probably due to an external factor.

If the problem is attraction or libido, there are plenty of ways to fix that. If the problem is more psychological, then you need to also address it. If the problem is lack of time, then make it a priority and make time. The only thing that you should not do is just ignore it, or say it will get better or come back. Believe me, it will get worse before it gets better. A marriage is a lot of work, don’t make sex something that feels like work.

Not Scared of Being a Man

I would like to first clarify that I believe that men and women have equal right and opportunity. Mentally I find them both at the same level when it comes to capability for comprehension and learning. I however believe in certain differences that make one superior to the other in some situations. However, that is something many people are afraid to think and even more to say so.

I am so glad that I married a woman that knows a lot more than me in many subjects, she is way more talented than I am in science, and can even give me a run for my money in many others. Intelligence is defined in Webster’s dictionary as “the ability to learn or understand, or to deal with new or trying situations.” She is also a very intelligent woman, and does not feel like she is less than me when she takes care of me by cooking a meal or having my clothes ready. She has a way higher earning potential than I do with her Biology degree, and could be telling me that she does not need to do any of these housewife duties. But instead she is proud of being able to do them for me. She enjoys it and does not feel less; in fact she is very against the idea that a career woman is more successful in life than a housewife.

Having her by my side has enabled me to not be scared of being a man. I take charge in many situations and she does not mind. She lets me wear the pants in the house because she knows that every step I take is to make our lives better. In turn I value her opinion and will many times take her word on some subjects even over my own. We come to agreements using true compromise and deal with most things with laughter. She has no problem making me feel like a man, and I in return give her the respect every lady deserves.

Since women started joining the workforce the dynamics in a household began to change. Now man is expected to share chores that they were not only not trained to do but even made to look as demeaning or “women” jobs. While I think those tasks should never be looked at that way, like the whole “boys don’t cry” mantra many people grew up with those ideas. I believe that chores in a household where both people work, should be separated by a list where both people get to pick. like picking kids at school… and that last chore gets to be a compromise. I do not believe that all responsibilities should be divided along gender lines but more about what the couple like. I personally don’t mind laundry, vacuuming or cooking but hate picking up after myself and dusting. I don’t think performing tasks around the house makes me less of a man but it was something that society and the way I grew up told me differently.

Sexually it is also very frowned upon to be masculine. Man end up becoming pigs when they have to limit their talks about sex to a group of guys talking about the opposite sex like a piece of meat. Men do not discuss any issues besides politics with any seriousness because we are thought that you just don’t bring that kind of stuff up. Sex is as taboo of a subject as how long you take in the bathroom. I am not saying that I want to discuss details with my friends, but it would be nice if society allowed for open conversation. The couple of times that I had a friend bring up the subject of sex in his relationship was almost like we were doing something illegal even though he needed to vent. Many men deal with sexual rejection from their partners and vice-versa; the difference is that women can talk to their girlfriends about the issue but men are left to deal with the situation by turning to the wrong outlet for their sexual frustration. When masturbation becomes something you hide in shame but do to relieve tension it can truly affect your overall sexual life.

Something awful compiled a list of the 13 most awful fears and guess what number one was… men. While it is just funny satire it does come from some truth. When I was in an abusive relationship my biggest fear was that I was going to be the one accused of abuse. Society paints men as the enemy even if most of us are doing nothing more than trying to provide for our families. I personally feel OK being considered an alpha male even if an extreme feminist might look at me as macho and misogynist. I know it only comes from her own misandry.