I cannot believe that I have not written in here for so many months. This was probably one of the only places that used to keep me sane. I am almost ashamed to admit that I was a little scared of the internet for a while. I hated the feeling of exposure when it came to my feelings being here. Everything that you put out there is there for the scrutiny of everyone. While this has been true from the beginning and there are many posts here that could probably be taken the wrong way I decided to keep the blog up and continue writing.
The domain and hosting lapsed right around the holidays and it did not feel like I was losing much. That was probably the hardest thing to accept, that even though a big piece of me is here; not touching it for a while had made it almost that old diary that you bump into when cleaning the attic.
First I have to give thanks. 2014 was a fantastic year. It was a year of learning, experiencing and in many ways shedding old skin. The way a snake sheds its skin can be kind of repulsive, if you have the chance to see one at a pet store you might agree with me. However that is probably the most accurate way to describe the feeling of this year that was transitional in many ways.
I had given up on the thought of being a parent for many reasons. As I approach 40 I thought the window had closed…and then BAM, you are going to be a father. Not only that but you are going to marry someone that is a fantastic as your dreams have always made that person to be in your head.
I had tried to hang on to a lot of things this year, but it was really more about letting go. I let go of a lot of thoughts, I let go of a lot of behaviors and feedback loops, I let go of a lot of “friends.” I seriously never realized how much effort I was putting into relationships that did not matter to them as much as they did to me. It has only been recently when I have felt reciprocity in many relationships that I saw the wasted effort.
That said, I did make a lot of relationships stronger this year. I am surprised by how strong some of those are and were all along. I have a fantastic family and some exceptional friends that are moving my life forward in many special ways.
Overall this coming year will be about being more present. You cannot bank on an unrealized future or dwell on a past that can’t be changed. All that matters is now, today, and taking steps forward. I had missed on expressing a lot of things for the sake of not revealing to much. I want to get back to writing and taking pictures and riding my motorcycle more. Concentrate on living in the now and experiencing things. Funny thing is that now that I have a wife and a kid on the way everyone thinks that I will not be able to do those things more… in reality I feel that by having them in my life, everything has come into focus and I see a lot of things more clearly now. It is important to be true to self to be able to be a part of someone else’s life.