My So Called Personal Life

I used to never post about my personal life, then little by little I started to open up and post more and more. I went through some rough waters and even though I had some of my situation out in the open, not by my choice, I chose to take the high road and not start a very public online air out your dirty laundry.

At the same time, I felt very violated when it came to my online life. Sure this is not the most important part of my life but it is a part of it. This blog has been my outlet for years now and even though I even consider closing it all together, I realized that there is a lot of value to what I do here. I think what I write has value for other people, but what I write here has a lot of value to me.

I like expressing my opinions, but I have realized that I also like expressing my emotions and that is where the violation comes in. I feel like somehow I cannot express myself anymore because it will be used against me. There have been many days where I want to share my happiness, sadness or frustration and I have felt like I cannot. I don’t have the right to be happy publicly because someone else might find that offensive. I dislike password protected entries because I feel like if I want to share it here I should not hide have to hide it. Also some of what I express is not because that person in my past holds any importance at all, it is because my emotions are very important and part of the healing process should be able to open myself up again.

What is worse, my life is still being invaded in the form of posting of my personal pictures or things about me… yet I refuse to play that game. Even now, posting this I am concerned that some kind of retaliation in the form of written abuse will come off it.

I don’t know how long it will take for the other person to realize that they are just not welcome in my life any longer but that they are truly not wanted. I wish nothing bad upon others, but eventually the attempt of contact has to stop. I do not want any kind of relationship at all with that person and crave the freedom to just go on with my life not even having to guard what I post on my blog, or have to change my phone number once again.

Every story has two sides and I own my side of it. I am not perfect and I made a lot of mistakes in not just the last couple of years but probably over the past 7 years of my life. I thought this whole time I was learning how to not live for other but for myself and it took a lot of pain to realize that I was trying to make everyone around me happy and not myself… even when I was trying not to. Then I saw the light, even though I was brainwashed into believing that the craving to be myself was selfishness, I woke up. It would have been a lot harder if I did not know I was in the wrong place in my life, but my mind had been telling me for a while that I should have gotten out long ago, I just did not have the courage for a lot time and let things like guilt and false hope manipulate me.

What is worse is that I really want to tell my story. I am sure that there are many men out there that are verbally or even physically abused and think it is ok. I am sure that my story could help someone… but then again, the story has two sides and what to me was hell to someone else could have been just normal every day life.

Feeling MUCH better!

Thanks for all the get well wishes! Maybe that is what actually got me better. I cannot believe I got better this quick, I truly thought I was going to have to go to a hospital, but I pulled through. I seriously did have a lot of people actually worried for me and maybe the remote “taking care” of me is what got me through. In any case, I want to thank the people that care for me for pulling me through this one.

I don’t get sick all that often, but I am a total baby when I get really sick. I have heard that most men are. I still go to work while I am really sick, but this time I truly question that decision not just by me but the people in my office that got me sick. In today’s world of being able to work remotely, I think it is a bad decision to bring bugs into the office when people can stay home until they get better. Also, the whole sick day policy at times is very inadequate, but that is a whole other post.

Talking to people while being sick I realized that there was something going on this past week. Almost everyone I talked to regardless of geographical location was or knew someone close that was sick with some form of cold or flu.

Of my last travel, I only wish I could blog about it… I have so much to day but travel related trips I guess don’t get blogged about… If you are sick, I hope you too get better.

Save 1-800-Suicide

Help Save 1.800.SUICIDE

I have lost two people close to me to suicide. The first was one of my classmates in 1992, he hung himself to have his best friend find him. The other one was just a couple of years ago. I am posting this because Daniel posted it and it made me feel like I should also spread the word, so shamelesly stealing the rest of his post

… bigger question: Why is the U.S. government making moves to shutdown the 1-800-SUICIDE hotline, which has provided an invaluable service to over 2 million callers?

From May 1998 to October 2001 and from January 2005 until now the hotline has survived on donated proceeds from the Take Action Tour and the support of organizations like the National Mental Health Association. Why? Because the Federal government is not giving this non-profit the $300,000 of already appropriated and earmarked funds that are still owed. As one can see by reading the termination notice sent to the non-profit, the hotline’s total amount owed is far less than the amount owed to the non-profit by the government. According to 1-800-SUICIDE’s website, SAMHSA:

… quietly filed with the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) on December 13th, 2006 to pull the private lines held by KBHC/1-800-SUICIDE.

This underhanded grab at these lines is taking place after two years of private communication and months of public debate ending with a commitment from SAMHSA to review and pay 1-800 SUICIDE’s claim on August 25th, 2006.

So what? What’s the big deal?

There are some valid concerns about the goverment taking control of this hotline.

  1. The U.S. government is statutorily prohibited from funding social service programs outside its borders. This would mean the hotline would go dead in Canada, and plans to expand the hotline into Mexico would end.
  2. Privacy. There are concerns that the goverment, and you know how they like to categorize people, will create a blacklist of callers. This could potentially keep a person, who went through a very bad time in their life, who got help and moved on, from bettering themselves by getting jobs police officers, air traffic controllers and so forth.

Granted, the Kristin Brooks Hope Center (KBHC) handed over 1-800-SUICIDE to the Feds, but only after they were told that privacy issues would be worked out. The issue remains: When the operators of 1-800-SUICIDE were already working with the government, except in turning over private data, what is the real motivation for this attemptive takeover by the government?

How can you help?

I’m glad you asked! You can help by writing letters to the FCC, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and the Acting Director of SAMHSA. You should also check out the web site for 1-800-SUICIDE. You can start by reading their history/FAQ. If you feel so inclined, donating money will be the most effective way to make an immediate positive impact.

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Demons

I am not sure how most people are going to react to this entry but I believe in Demons. I have battled many of them a long time and have to be honest, it is harder to fight some of them than others. My biggest demons are fear, anger and guilt. This entry is not about my demons but someone else`s.

A good friend of mine just had the biggest fight of his life with a series of demons. The ones I mentioned above he had to fight all at once. I am really proud of him for doing that, because it takes a real man to face all of the demons at once and come clean. At times the best weapon against all of these demons is trust… trusting those around you can have a liberating effect.

If you feel like you are fighting a demon right now, you should really look around for those that love you and trust them to be that safety net you will need once those demons try to push you out the window. Even the highest falls in our life can be lessened if the safety net of those that care for us is waiting there for us to break the fall.

Running around

This week has been interesting. Lots of putting things back together, lots of running around. I did get to spend some time with some friends and share some Colombian food with them. That was an excellent time.

Since the Friday meme is in limbo and I don’t have time for a real post I figured I would do one of these weird what I am up to posts.

I actually watched Fast and the Furious Tokio Drift and was entertained. I thought it would suck, but it was great for an action movie. Drifting looks life fun, but all the car crunchin was sad. Some of the cars were surprisingly slick, I laugh at the tunner scene sometimes for overdoing some of the stickers, but a couple of the cars had some excellent looks to them.

Tonight I have a special invite to a club from a local DJ. It should be cool, off to dance some Salsa and Merengue. What are your plans for the weekend?