Smoking

It seems like a lot of my online friends had no clue that I smoked. Some of my oldest friends also had no clue that I had picked the habit up a couple of years ago… again.

I first tasted tobacco when I was very young, my Granpa actually let me light his cigarettes for him. I never actually inhaled and as bad as it sounds, I don’t think it was something horrible. The first cigarette I actually smoked was when I was around 8 thanks to a babysitter that let me smoke one of her cigarettes. I did not smoke again until I was 14.

In Colombia you can buy individual cigarettes for some cents. It is also worth noting that they did not card you for smokes there, partly because it is convenient to go pick up cigarettes for your parents. I started smoking Kools and remember getting lightheaded. One of my best friends smoked and even though it was not about being cool, I was a little more than curious. My Mom has smoked my whole life, and even though it has never been more than maybe a couple of cigarettes a day, it really made me wonder what it was all about.

I moved to the US and my underage smoking stopped until I turned 18. I actually remember the day I started smoking again, I was driving my first car, a 1990 Hyunday that started my love for sunroofs and I had just bought a pack of Marlboro lights. I light up my smoke right in the parking lot of the high school. My smoking partners then were actually both from Guatemala, the two coolest rockers that introduced me to alternative rock.

After high school, smoking lead me to meeting my best friends. A group of 8 people that I thought were going to be in my life forever. Turns out that I still know how to contact 4 of them, but I am not close to any of them anymore. I smoked way too much and way too often and after about 3 years of smoking, I quit for the first time… I thought I had quit forever.

I actually did not pick up another pack for years, about 3… then I moved to Michigan. A couple of people at work smoked and the stress of the place I was at made me see why. I started playing darts every Friday, and with the alcohol the smokes went hand in hand. I had not smoked in any of my cars except my very first one, but little by little I started to smoke in my car again. Then I joined a cult.

Actually I had already quit smoking because it was not as fun as it was before. I was not able to run without being out of breath, it was made even more obvious when I started playing racquetball again. One of my great uncles passed away from a sudden heart attack and he was a smoker. Cigarettes then exited my life for about six months. My life then entered that big black hole that sucked my happiness for a little over a year. During that period of time cigarettes became a painful object that also provided relief. I lost control of my life in many levels but for stupid reasons I cannot quite understand, and I held on to the little control I felt when I would light up one of those cancer sticks and sucked it right down to the filter.

I had been smoking ever since, until this past week. I had not been smoking at my new job because I tried not to smoke at work ever since I left Michigan. Little by little I started to realize that I did not need the smoking anymore. The anxiety that it used to reduce was not present in my life anymore. Even though for a while those little smelly tubes represented control in some sick way, I did not need them anymore. For some strange reason it was not hard at all to stop. There was no cravings… it makes me realize how different my life is now, it also makes me realize how sometimes we place so much power on insignificant, inanimate objects that in the end were just full of smoke.

Sapo Verde To me

The Bears lost, and even though I have been trying to believe in Grossman the turd did not deliver. I was very sad to see that the rest of the team played like champs and he just deflated. I even forgave him for saying that he did not prepare for the last game of the season against the Packers, but now I am just upset. Before I go any further into my rant I want to say that the Colts deserved the championship, they played very well. I had been giving Grossman and chance, but now I think that the Bears should replace him and think of another future, one where Grossman does not lose a Superbowl for us.

There are many reasons to blog today. Yes it is my birthday, and even though this morning I did not even remember it when I first woke up, it has already been a wonderful days with the birthday wishes I have gotten. I am getting closer to 30 now, like my Dad told me this morning. It really does not matter much to me. Age is just a number, how you feel inside is a lot more important.

Some days I feel really old, but I think it is more being just out of shape. However this year is going to be full of more activities. I have the opportunity to join a soccer team and I have to start getting ready for that so I can actually do a good job out there on the field. Mentally I feel just about my age. Even though bills and just life in general take a toll sometimes, I still have the capability of be a kid and be entertained by the silliest things… not to mention I still dance around like a fool at every chance I get.

Stream of thoughts

Life is a river that keeps on flowing. Situations might dam its path, but it will spill over no matter how much you try. All we can do is navigate through it and hope that at each fork we are taking the correct path. We should never try to get back to that fork where we took the wrong path and just wait for the next fork and hope we have found a new way. Don’t ever look back, just move forward and learn, because life is not about the goals and what you obtain but rather about the journey and the experiences along the way.

My So Called Personal Life

I used to never post about my personal life, then little by little I started to open up and post more and more. I went through some rough waters and even though I had some of my situation out in the open, not by my choice, I chose to take the high road and not start a very public online air out your dirty laundry.

At the same time, I felt very violated when it came to my online life. Sure this is not the most important part of my life but it is a part of it. This blog has been my outlet for years now and even though I even consider closing it all together, I realized that there is a lot of value to what I do here. I think what I write has value for other people, but what I write here has a lot of value to me.

I like expressing my opinions, but I have realized that I also like expressing my emotions and that is where the violation comes in. I feel like somehow I cannot express myself anymore because it will be used against me. There have been many days where I want to share my happiness, sadness or frustration and I have felt like I cannot. I don’t have the right to be happy publicly because someone else might find that offensive. I dislike password protected entries because I feel like if I want to share it here I should not hide have to hide it. Also some of what I express is not because that person in my past holds any importance at all, it is because my emotions are very important and part of the healing process should be able to open myself up again.

What is worse, my life is still being invaded in the form of posting of my personal pictures or things about me… yet I refuse to play that game. Even now, posting this I am concerned that some kind of retaliation in the form of written abuse will come off it.

I don’t know how long it will take for the other person to realize that they are just not welcome in my life any longer but that they are truly not wanted. I wish nothing bad upon others, but eventually the attempt of contact has to stop. I do not want any kind of relationship at all with that person and crave the freedom to just go on with my life not even having to guard what I post on my blog, or have to change my phone number once again.

Every story has two sides and I own my side of it. I am not perfect and I made a lot of mistakes in not just the last couple of years but probably over the past 7 years of my life. I thought this whole time I was learning how to not live for other but for myself and it took a lot of pain to realize that I was trying to make everyone around me happy and not myself… even when I was trying not to. Then I saw the light, even though I was brainwashed into believing that the craving to be myself was selfishness, I woke up. It would have been a lot harder if I did not know I was in the wrong place in my life, but my mind had been telling me for a while that I should have gotten out long ago, I just did not have the courage for a lot time and let things like guilt and false hope manipulate me.

What is worse is that I really want to tell my story. I am sure that there are many men out there that are verbally or even physically abused and think it is ok. I am sure that my story could help someone… but then again, the story has two sides and what to me was hell to someone else could have been just normal every day life.

Feeling MUCH better!

Thanks for all the get well wishes! Maybe that is what actually got me better. I cannot believe I got better this quick, I truly thought I was going to have to go to a hospital, but I pulled through. I seriously did have a lot of people actually worried for me and maybe the remote “taking care” of me is what got me through. In any case, I want to thank the people that care for me for pulling me through this one.

I don’t get sick all that often, but I am a total baby when I get really sick. I have heard that most men are. I still go to work while I am really sick, but this time I truly question that decision not just by me but the people in my office that got me sick. In today’s world of being able to work remotely, I think it is a bad decision to bring bugs into the office when people can stay home until they get better. Also, the whole sick day policy at times is very inadequate, but that is a whole other post.

Talking to people while being sick I realized that there was something going on this past week. Almost everyone I talked to regardless of geographical location was or knew someone close that was sick with some form of cold or flu.

Of my last travel, I only wish I could blog about it… I have so much to day but travel related trips I guess don’t get blogged about… If you are sick, I hope you too get better.

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