Lo Que Pasó, Pasó…

Even though in English the play on words is not the same… what happened, happened! as in “it already passed” is a powerful statment. One of the most painful things in my life has been that a lot of people around me have not been able to see what they have until they lose it. At times I have felt like I am trapped in a bad psychological sci-fi thriller where I am the only one that can see reality and everyone else is still plugged to the machines. That can also mean that I am crazy and live in a alternate reality of my own… but thankfully I have found other people that are unplugged and have made me feel somewhat sane. At least as sane as they are.

Life is a beautiful thing that needs to be enjoyed. Living in the past is something that many people fall pray of, not realizing that by carrying the past, they clutter the present and don’t leave room for the future. The living in the future can be just as dangerous… wondering what will I do if this happened, how would I react if that happens… While planning is not a bad thing, we never know what tomorrow brings, enjoy the present already!

The past has the power to define who we are, but we still have that whole “free will” option. People think that fortune telling has no power, but wait until you hear something someone tells you in one of those sessions and a lot of times we make those things happen. I believe we can change who we become even with a dark past. Bad things happen to good people, but bad circumstances should not make bad people. Change is difficult but possible, and the fist step towards a clean future is to cut ties with the past.

I hate regret and try to avoid it… I was taught a hard lesson not too long ago and learned the meaning of the word regret for the first time. If I could go back in time, there is now something that I would take back… it does not matter how much I learned, it does not matter how much I grew because of the experiece, it does not matter how much I want to be positive about it… I want that time back… I learned about regret.

I wonder if having failed relationships makes you a better person in the end. I wonder how jaded you become, and how much that truly affects your ability to love. Learning about what to do and not to do in a relationship, does that require pain and heartbreak? Learning to trust your instincts, learning what trust is, learning who deserves trust; does that require your trust being broke? I wonder, is getting married to your highschool sweetheart better than dating a couple of satan’s daughters before you meet the woman of your dreams? Are we going to be able to appreciate the right person when they enter our lives? Do we take for granted our highschool sweet heart if that is only person we have only dated as adults? Is the question, “where have you been all my life” even valid?

Here I am, trying to drink my own koolaid and chocking on it. Maybe this is one of those lessons in life that teaches me about fear. I had feared regret and that is why I had avoided it so much; now I can say that I have experienced regret and can live with it. I can actually say that knowing about regret makes me a better person and lets me know what to do and not to do. It also teaches me not to take anyone for granted… including myself. You would think that a big regret will make you change who you are… in the end, at least for me, it solidified everything that I had believed. It all comes with the territory, being a positive cynic and all!

Junk Food really Junk?

One of my coworkers is a pretty healthy conscious person. Not health nut kind of person, but he likes to play sports, be active and eat good food. I think being around him has made me think a little more about what eat, even though he has never even mentioned a word about food. It has been some time since I ate junk food, I have been eating a home quite a bit or eating at the less greasy food places and I have noticed a huge change. Junk food now makes me sick. Whenever I eat food from one of the places that has lots of grease my stomach just kind of rejects the food. I get a bloated feeling and without energy. The first couple of times it happened I thought I was sick and considered going to the doctor, but then I started to see the pattern that every time I ate some of that food it just made me sick.

I am not sure if it is the low grade meat that some of those places use, but I am starting to get more and more grossed out by them. I think the only two places that I can stomach now are hardees and sonic… but the BK, McD`s and Wendy`s seem to be completely being rejected by my body. I have not gone to taco hell in months.

I worked at McD`s for 3 years during High School. I blame their fries and chicken nuggets for most of my weight spike. I cannot eat a lot of their fries anymore, but those nuggets are still tasty. Their burgers are what has made me feel pretty horrible when I eat them. I have not started working out as consistently as I would like, but soccer should be beginning soon and I need to get my stamina up so I can last a 90 minute match again. I should start running and with the weather cooperating that might start this week, I cannot stand running on a thread mill.

Taking junk food out of my diet should be a good thing. I just wish it was more of me being conscious about no eating anymore rather than my body literally rejecting it. I guess I should take it as a good thing. It is amazing that I can have strong will power for some things but when it comes to food I seem to be helpless. I guess that is just another area of my life that I need to buckle up for and take control of.

Grow old together

One of the biggest paradoxes in my life has been the definition of love. If I have tried to love so hard, why have I never been in love? Over and over in my head I have tried to define what love is with no luck… that is until now. I think I have finally found a good definition for that feeling that is so hard to define.

Before getting into the solution to the problem why not talk about the road there? How many times have I really loved? Is any love ever complete? Can you have true love with only one person feeling the need to do everything possible to make the other one happy? Is there such a thing as unconditional love?

Love is not perfect, that I know. Love is something that cannot exist without peace, patience and hope. Love without lots of humor is not much fun. The is actually not a bad place to start looking for a definition for love. 1 Corinthians 13.

After being in serious relationships I thought I had it all figured out. After telling people that I loved them I figured I knew what I was talking about. While I had the feeling right, the emotions in tune and the delivery supposedly down path I thought I knew how to love. However the mix for that love potion was not mixed correctly and in a couple of occasions it made me sick… one I thought it was going to kill me.

The first time I thought I was in love is probably the hardest to rationalize now… should I call it puppy love, or should I give it the respect of the way I felt then. I can only hope that some day I can feel that innocent love again and that it has not been tainted. The woman I married, and who I am still very good friends with, I loved as a friend and now I also hope that I can someday love someone and call them truly my best friend. The first time I felt love mixed with passion was intoxicating, to the point that I did not see how wrong it was for me to be with someone that was in a total different timeline than mine… then again I still want to feel that passion and not be blinded by it. The last time I loved was the first time I was truly committed, to the point I lost myself in the process… I did everything for someone that did not deserve any of what I had to offer… yet I still someday want to love someone so much that I would truly do anything for them.

Mixing elements in a chemistry lab is something you are not supposed to do unless you know what the reaction is going to be. How are we supposed to know what the correct amount of doubt, insanity, or faith is supposed to be mixed in. I have so many times loved with so much doubt in my heart it was insane, and the only think that kept it going was faith… faith not just in a relationship but as sick as it sounds, faith on myself to be able to be something that I was not just to make someone else happy.

For the longest time my definition of true love was very simple. It is when two people feel the same way about each other. Maybe I still have it wrong, but today after giving it a lot of thought I have come to the conclusion of love is when you can find someone that you want to grow old together with.

Smoking

It seems like a lot of my online friends had no clue that I smoked. Some of my oldest friends also had no clue that I had picked the habit up a couple of years ago… again.

I first tasted tobacco when I was very young, my Granpa actually let me light his cigarettes for him. I never actually inhaled and as bad as it sounds, I don’t think it was something horrible. The first cigarette I actually smoked was when I was around 8 thanks to a babysitter that let me smoke one of her cigarettes. I did not smoke again until I was 14.

In Colombia you can buy individual cigarettes for some cents. It is also worth noting that they did not card you for smokes there, partly because it is convenient to go pick up cigarettes for your parents. I started smoking Kools and remember getting lightheaded. One of my best friends smoked and even though it was not about being cool, I was a little more than curious. My Mom has smoked my whole life, and even though it has never been more than maybe a couple of cigarettes a day, it really made me wonder what it was all about.

I moved to the US and my underage smoking stopped until I turned 18. I actually remember the day I started smoking again, I was driving my first car, a 1990 Hyunday that started my love for sunroofs and I had just bought a pack of Marlboro lights. I light up my smoke right in the parking lot of the high school. My smoking partners then were actually both from Guatemala, the two coolest rockers that introduced me to alternative rock.

After high school, smoking lead me to meeting my best friends. A group of 8 people that I thought were going to be in my life forever. Turns out that I still know how to contact 4 of them, but I am not close to any of them anymore. I smoked way too much and way too often and after about 3 years of smoking, I quit for the first time… I thought I had quit forever.

I actually did not pick up another pack for years, about 3… then I moved to Michigan. A couple of people at work smoked and the stress of the place I was at made me see why. I started playing darts every Friday, and with the alcohol the smokes went hand in hand. I had not smoked in any of my cars except my very first one, but little by little I started to smoke in my car again. Then I joined a cult.

Actually I had already quit smoking because it was not as fun as it was before. I was not able to run without being out of breath, it was made even more obvious when I started playing racquetball again. One of my great uncles passed away from a sudden heart attack and he was a smoker. Cigarettes then exited my life for about six months. My life then entered that big black hole that sucked my happiness for a little over a year. During that period of time cigarettes became a painful object that also provided relief. I lost control of my life in many levels but for stupid reasons I cannot quite understand, and I held on to the little control I felt when I would light up one of those cancer sticks and sucked it right down to the filter.

I had been smoking ever since, until this past week. I had not been smoking at my new job because I tried not to smoke at work ever since I left Michigan. Little by little I started to realize that I did not need the smoking anymore. The anxiety that it used to reduce was not present in my life anymore. Even though for a while those little smelly tubes represented control in some sick way, I did not need them anymore. For some strange reason it was not hard at all to stop. There was no cravings… it makes me realize how different my life is now, it also makes me realize how sometimes we place so much power on insignificant, inanimate objects that in the end were just full of smoke.