Exorcism!

I will be in the Windy City this weekend and I cannot wait! The only bad thing is that I do not get to see as many of my friends as I would like to. The main reason to head out there is a baby shower… I know it takes a real man to admit that I am heading there for a baby shower, but thankfully I will have someone to bring the present in for me. We are both looking forward to hanging out in the Windy City at least for the 3 days we are going to get to spend there. Besides the baby shower will be a semi-private party where my girlfriend and ex-wife(Gwen) are going to meet… I will let you guys know how that goes. If you are in Chicago, email me for the details on the party.

For those of you that are scratching their heads going… what? Here is a little cliff notes.

I was married for 4 years to Gwen, we got divorced in 2004 just as I started this blog. Gwen and I are still really good friends. She was actually one of the many friends that was there for me for what happened next. I dated someone for about a year an a half and we ended up getting married again. It ended pretty horribly after only a few months, but because of the nasty things that happened it is not something up for discussion. She truly became “She who must not be named”. Thankfully, because it was a very short marriage it was annulled and I have very much moved on.

I am now in love and very happy with someone else, however the last relationship left a black mark on my blog that I am cleaning now. So call this the exorcism of the blog. I used to blog about how great things were, but never about the bad things got. When the nasty stuff did spill over a couple of times it was more about airing out dirty laundry than really having a personal weblog. Believe it or not, even the blog was at times a source of disagreement. Even though this space was completely mine, it became somewhere where I felt I could not truly express myself anymore. I would not let that happen again, so I have decided to really not talk about that part of my life. Sometimes I am troubled by the fact that I do not feel comfortable talking about my love life here, so who knows, maybe this exorcism is what will let me post about how truly happy I am.

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Lo Que Pasó, Pasó…

Even though in English the play on words is not the same… what happened, happened! as in “it already passed” is a powerful statment. One of the most painful things in my life has been that a lot of people around me have not been able to see what they have until they lose it. At times I have felt like I am trapped in a bad psychological sci-fi thriller where I am the only one that can see reality and everyone else is still plugged to the machines. That can also mean that I am crazy and live in a alternate reality of my own… but thankfully I have found other people that are unplugged and have made me feel somewhat sane. At least as sane as they are.

Life is a beautiful thing that needs to be enjoyed. Living in the past is something that many people fall pray of, not realizing that by carrying the past, they clutter the present and don’t leave room for the future. The living in the future can be just as dangerous… wondering what will I do if this happened, how would I react if that happens… While planning is not a bad thing, we never know what tomorrow brings, enjoy the present already!

The past has the power to define who we are, but we still have that whole “free will” option. People think that fortune telling has no power, but wait until you hear something someone tells you in one of those sessions and a lot of times we make those things happen. I believe we can change who we become even with a dark past. Bad things happen to good people, but bad circumstances should not make bad people. Change is difficult but possible, and the fist step towards a clean future is to cut ties with the past.

I hate regret and try to avoid it… I was taught a hard lesson not too long ago and learned the meaning of the word regret for the first time. If I could go back in time, there is now something that I would take back… it does not matter how much I learned, it does not matter how much I grew because of the experiece, it does not matter how much I want to be positive about it… I want that time back… I learned about regret.

I wonder if having failed relationships makes you a better person in the end. I wonder how jaded you become, and how much that truly affects your ability to love. Learning about what to do and not to do in a relationship, does that require pain and heartbreak? Learning to trust your instincts, learning what trust is, learning who deserves trust; does that require your trust being broke? I wonder, is getting married to your highschool sweetheart better than dating a couple of satan’s daughters before you meet the woman of your dreams? Are we going to be able to appreciate the right person when they enter our lives? Do we take for granted our highschool sweet heart if that is only person we have only dated as adults? Is the question, “where have you been all my life” even valid?

Here I am, trying to drink my own koolaid and chocking on it. Maybe this is one of those lessons in life that teaches me about fear. I had feared regret and that is why I had avoided it so much; now I can say that I have experienced regret and can live with it. I can actually say that knowing about regret makes me a better person and lets me know what to do and not to do. It also teaches me not to take anyone for granted… including myself. You would think that a big regret will make you change who you are… in the end, at least for me, it solidified everything that I had believed. It all comes with the territory, being a positive cynic and all!

Junk Food really Junk?

One of my coworkers is a pretty healthy conscious person. Not health nut kind of person, but he likes to play sports, be active and eat good food. I think being around him has made me think a little more about what eat, even though he has never even mentioned a word about food. It has been some time since I ate junk food, I have been eating a home quite a bit or eating at the less greasy food places and I have noticed a huge change. Junk food now makes me sick. Whenever I eat food from one of the places that has lots of grease my stomach just kind of rejects the food. I get a bloated feeling and without energy. The first couple of times it happened I thought I was sick and considered going to the doctor, but then I started to see the pattern that every time I ate some of that food it just made me sick.

I am not sure if it is the low grade meat that some of those places use, but I am starting to get more and more grossed out by them. I think the only two places that I can stomach now are hardees and sonic… but the BK, McD`s and Wendy`s seem to be completely being rejected by my body. I have not gone to taco hell in months.

I worked at McD`s for 3 years during High School. I blame their fries and chicken nuggets for most of my weight spike. I cannot eat a lot of their fries anymore, but those nuggets are still tasty. Their burgers are what has made me feel pretty horrible when I eat them. I have not started working out as consistently as I would like, but soccer should be beginning soon and I need to get my stamina up so I can last a 90 minute match again. I should start running and with the weather cooperating that might start this week, I cannot stand running on a thread mill.

Taking junk food out of my diet should be a good thing. I just wish it was more of me being conscious about no eating anymore rather than my body literally rejecting it. I guess I should take it as a good thing. It is amazing that I can have strong will power for some things but when it comes to food I seem to be helpless. I guess that is just another area of my life that I need to buckle up for and take control of.

Grow old together

One of the biggest paradoxes in my life has been the definition of love. If I have tried to love so hard, why have I never been in love? Over and over in my head I have tried to define what love is with no luck… that is until now. I think I have finally found a good definition for that feeling that is so hard to define.

Before getting into the solution to the problem why not talk about the road there? How many times have I really loved? Is any love ever complete? Can you have true love with only one person feeling the need to do everything possible to make the other one happy? Is there such a thing as unconditional love?

Love is not perfect, that I know. Love is something that cannot exist without peace, patience and hope. Love without lots of humor is not much fun. The is actually not a bad place to start looking for a definition for love. 1 Corinthians 13.

After being in serious relationships I thought I had it all figured out. After telling people that I loved them I figured I knew what I was talking about. While I had the feeling right, the emotions in tune and the delivery supposedly down path I thought I knew how to love. However the mix for that love potion was not mixed correctly and in a couple of occasions it made me sick… one I thought it was going to kill me.

The first time I thought I was in love is probably the hardest to rationalize now… should I call it puppy love, or should I give it the respect of the way I felt then. I can only hope that some day I can feel that innocent love again and that it has not been tainted. The woman I married, and who I am still very good friends with, I loved as a friend and now I also hope that I can someday love someone and call them truly my best friend. The first time I felt love mixed with passion was intoxicating, to the point that I did not see how wrong it was for me to be with someone that was in a total different timeline than mine… then again I still want to feel that passion and not be blinded by it. The last time I loved was the first time I was truly committed, to the point I lost myself in the process… I did everything for someone that did not deserve any of what I had to offer… yet I still someday want to love someone so much that I would truly do anything for them.

Mixing elements in a chemistry lab is something you are not supposed to do unless you know what the reaction is going to be. How are we supposed to know what the correct amount of doubt, insanity, or faith is supposed to be mixed in. I have so many times loved with so much doubt in my heart it was insane, and the only think that kept it going was faith… faith not just in a relationship but as sick as it sounds, faith on myself to be able to be something that I was not just to make someone else happy.

For the longest time my definition of true love was very simple. It is when two people feel the same way about each other. Maybe I still have it wrong, but today after giving it a lot of thought I have come to the conclusion of love is when you can find someone that you want to grow old together with.

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