Vegas: Chelsea Handler vs Jim Breuer

While at Vegas we got to see some excellent entertainment. However when we went to the comedy show part of the Vegas Comedy Festival I ended up with a bitter, sweet taste in my mouth. The first disappointments came when I could not get tickets to Eddie Izzard my favorite comedian. I had no clue the festival was going on until I arrived there, and well Eddie was one of the only people that actually sold out.

Chelsea Handler and Jim Breuer were billed together and the tickets were easy to come by. I have seen Chelsea’s show on TV and found it mildly amusing, Breuer I remember mostly from Half Baked and SNL and was somewhat excited to see up close. I had been walking all day on the strip and the show was at midnight. I needed to be entertained or I was probably going to doze off into the night.

Breuer came out and killed. I now know him a little better and wish I had satellite radio to hear his show. I got to learn from him that he loves his family and is devoted to them. His sense of humor was not just right on, he really worked the audience. His stand up was fresh and I only wish he did more of it. I really look forward to more of his material and if it was not for him I would have been totally disappointed about them whole experience.

Chelsea Handler I actually feel sorry for. I have never seen someone with a TV show actually not do their homework. She not only used old jokes, Asians are bad drivers for example, she actually bombed completely on a couple of her wannabe shocking racist jokes. It would have felt a little better if it was boos that people did but it was more of a collective ouch… that was a stupid joke.

She opened up her act by bringing out her little person friend that was a worse plant than the fake palm tress inside of the hotel. The she moved onto making everyone uncomfortable with her masturbation joke that went on for 20 minutes too long. Then her self deprecating I am a whore jokes somewhat made people laugh until she went for race.

Racist jokes are not as funny as some people might think. Pointing out the obvious jokes mixed with race can sometimes not be as offensives as just stupid old stereotype ones. Well she went for every single stereotype she could think of, and never put a new twist on any of them. I can only think that maybe she was completely unprepared and showed up to Vegas just to gamble and get laid. I will pass on her comedy from now on and look forward to listening to Breuer when I get the chance.

At Vegas I learned…

The following are some of the things I bring back from Vegas as far as knowledge goes…

* Bring some comfortable shoes.
* You are going to walk no matter what.
* Expensive restaurant have no clue at handling parties bigger than 6.
* You can get mugged right on the strip.
* People are dumb enough to smoke a water bong on the strip and then get caught by police.
* Sleep is hard to come by in Vegas.
* Do not get tickets to shows before you get there unless they are brand new, you can get them for way cheaper there.
* Not all Cirque Du Soleil are created equal.
* You have to see Cirque Du Soleil live, it is a must do thing in life.
* The locals are way nicer than the people that move there for some quick money.
* Vegas is trying to capture the Spring Break vibe… or vice versa?
* Gambling can be fun when done in moderation.
* Getting drinks while playing at a table is a lot easier than when playing slots.
* There are sharks at even the cheap poker tables.
* Do not shop at any of the malls inside of the casinos, they are a rip off.
* Even if you went to sleep at 5 A.M. your body will still wake you up by 8 A.M. because it is already 10 A.M. back home.
* Hotels off the strip are not that bad at all.
* The more wiling you are to look for a good deal, the less you will pay.
* Cab drivers will take you for a longer ride even when you know where you are going.
* Some cab drivers are actually nice people that are not trying to milk an extra dollar from you, tip them well.
* If you to to a hotel for a meal, check for deals that are included with a show or attraction.
* For a free pretzel go to MGM and watch a preview of a new TV show, after rating it your only free gift is a pretzel.
* It is fun to rate a show nobody has seen yet.
* Farmer wants a wife might be a new TV show.
* Limos to and from the airport are not too expensive when you slip them with other people and very convenient.
* I am the lightest looking 270 lb guy in NV, I got a free teddy bear for my wife thanks to my fat ass… the guesser was 20 off.
* Do not go to Vegas for a vacation, you will need one after you come back.

Thanks for the pressure

So my friend Mark tells me the other day, dude post something funny, you have been way too serious in your blog… at first I thought I should up the profanity quota along with the use of… but then…

Two things occurred to me, one is that I found other outlets for my humor in the form of tumblr and facebook… and two that being funny on command is actually just too freaking hard.

I have used the line from Goodfellas way too much, the “what am I, a clown, do I f*ing amuse you?” in situations where people put me on the spot to actually be funny. Boondock Saints also has a hilarious scene where Ron Jeremy (fully clothed) puts Rock through a very awkward time… you have to see the movie to get this (if you have not, don’t read my blog anymore… you have homework to do.)

I have discussed it with my wife several times that I should start writing down some of the jokes I tell her and come up with a stand up. She laughs at my jokes partly because she loves me… but I can be funny… and it is mostly because of my accent sometimes making some word sound funnier than they already are, you should hear me say motherf*er… it comes out more like morerfoker than anything else and it get at least a smile every time.

Last year I came out with one funny saying, and since I still have not patented I might as well disclose it to see if it catches on, or just totally offends the billions of Chinese people that actually read English (I could have been a d!ck and said Engrish but I did not)…(and I yes, I do have Chinese friends, and they are not token friends.) I was having a conversation with my friend Tom and we were talking about some people overcomplicated simple things. In the corporate word people use the word utilize way too much. Anyways, I came up with the saying, yes that is more complicated than Chinese alphabet soup… I am not sure if it was just the moment, but I still laugh about that one.

The other funny story as of recently was a bit I did about going shopping with my wife and it goes like this. I refuse to go to the grocery store with my wife. In the past I had to wait for way too long while she checked every single teabag on the darn place looking for just right combination of spicy, sweet, citric type of tea. It is even worse in the cereal isle. I still pick my cereal based on cartoon characters, in Colombia it was Melvin the Elephant who was the mascot of Choco-Krispsies(I think in the US is called Cocoa and the mascot is a monkey), here in the US is Tony the Tiger… but no that is not good enough of her for my wife, she wants a bran cereal with the health properties of raisin bran but without the raisins.

I have even tried to go just in and out to pick up bread and milk with her but it has backfired. In a effort to minimize the visit’s length I did not get a cart or even a basket, I figure if she that I cannot carry much more she would take pitty on me. This particular day a 10 pound jumbo size steak happened to be on sale on the way to the milk and bread… and it just so happen that blocks of cheese were also available for sale… so as I carry 10 pounds of lean jumbo meat on one hand and juggle cheese blocks and a milk jug on the other (she did carry the bread) the trip down the refrigerated isle reminded my blatter that it was about to explode(thank health nuts for convincing me that drinking litter after litter of water is good for me!)

I say, honey could we hurry up, I really need to hit the bathroom. At the moment she was looking at little plush toys that are strategically located on your way out, if you have kids you know that it is torture to try to walk out of any place because everything is placed on your way out. When you think that you have already managed to get out of a place without having to buy every shinny, sugary, latest toy in the world thing they get you with the “it is just a quarter crap.”

So she ignores me and continues to look at the stuffed dolphin that is obviously telling her, I am homeless please bring me home… and I repeat, honey, I just wanted to come in and out… can we please get going. I swear, Linda Blair was slower than what her neck did when she turned around and told me, you have no patience for shopping with me.

So that is my bit and attempt at being funny, if you don’t like it I am sorry for your lack of sense of humor.

Friday Feast on Ubuntu

Appetizer
Name a great website you would recommend to others.
Ubuntu story! Make the switch.

Soup
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 as highest), how often do you dream at night?
I would give myself an 8, I think I dream every night and remember about 60% of the time even though lately I seem to remember more.

Salad

Did you have a pet as a child? If so, what kind and what was its name?
I had tons of pets, Mitsiu the spastic coker spaniel and Bengaly a little white finch.

Main Course
If you had the chance to star in a commercial, what would you choose to advertise?
I think the war in Africa, not enough people care.

Dessert
What is your favorite kind of hard candy?
Coffee Delight without a doubt

Communication? -Static- Negative!

Names and situations have been changed to protect the thick ones. Assume that the bus schedule is right in front of me, but only bus numbers and times are displayed. The window above him does not say ticket counter.

- Logtar : You are the person that sells bus tickets?
- Ticket Dude : Correct.
- L : Could you tell me what bus takes me down town?
- T D : The bus runs on Diesel.
- L : Indeed, you are correct, but I still need to know how to get downtown.
- T D : You get downtown by taking a bus.
- L : What bus would that be?
- T D : The one that arrives at 5:15 downtown.
- L : Could you tell me what the bus number is?
- T D : Are you going to buy a ticket?
- L : Could I have the bus number so I can look at the schedule to see what time the bus leaves so I can make the rest of my decisions, one of which includes whether to buy a ticket or not?
- T D : All the buses have brand new tires.

This would be hilarious if the guy was actually trying to be funny, but he seriously was not able to answer a straight question. I am not the only one that has dealt with him either… we have formulated the questions very specifically and we have yet to receive a straight answer.

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