Going Straight to Hell

I can totally try to blame Chimpotle for this one, but in reality I have been racking up my hell points way before I met him. He would be proud to know that he has become a bad influence in my life. He just posted about two hilarious sites, and even though laughing at them should be enough to get me the one way ticket there, my brain had to once again take me to the place where the little devil in my shoulder lives.

The site is called Garfield minus Garfield and it is as simple as what it sounds like but it packs all kind of hilarity in that simpleness. Garfield has been one of my favorite cartoons my whole life, and John Arbuckle has always been such a secondary character that even Odie scores higher in my book. When I thought about it some more I figured that if it was not for Odie, Arbucle would be the male version of a cat lady. Still not hell worthy that I called a cartoon character what most people consider the lowest level of the social inadequacy meter. So what is it that I thought about and did that has such negative connotation?

Before I get into that I want to illustrate my previous low moment and reason that Chimpo is not the sole reason that I am going to hell. I was sitting inside the office at a company I worked at busy with writing computer code and accompanied by a couple of my coworkers. It was a small company and we did not really have a receptionist, so when the sales people would go to lunch, people would walk in and eventually be face to face with programmers. Yes we are almost like mythical creatures in companies that rarely get to see, and maybe due to good reasons. For the most part it would be people that ignored that no soliciting sign that ended up changing places like five places because my boss said that people did not see it.

So what pushed me over the edge on the highway abyss that time? A guy with a voice box. Even though I know that people that end up having a tracheotomy and are subjected to speaking via a voice box for the most part (at least the ones I have met, which surprisingly is up to like 3 now) have been people that caused harm to their own body because of smoking, I still think that laughing at them is wrong. He walked in asking for directions because his car had broken down, it was hard for all of us to keep straight faces because he sounded just like Ned from South Park. I held my breath for as long as I could and I was refusing to make eye contact with anyone else in the room. The guilt of making fun of someone with a disability was the motivation for not laughing at the moment, however I saw out of the corner of my eye that one of my coworkers was doing the same and turning purple. That made everything even funnier so I could not hold it anymore and started laughing along with the rest of the people in the room. The guy did get directions after we got our composure back and he was not offended, but it was still wrong. Funny, but wrong.

Something along those lines happened when I saw the Garfield site. I happen to know a 40 year old virgin, and as hard to believe the veracity of this claim, I would not want or know how to check to see if it was true. I know other people that also know this person, and his cat lady like reclusion. I could not resist the urge to not only laugh at joke, feel guilty for it, then laughing some more, but I had to share it with someone. I then proceeded to share the joke with some of our mutual friends, and while it is wrong to make fun of my acquaintance for being a real life John Arbuckle without Garfield, its freaking hilarious… I know, I know, I am going to hell.

Something funny

The Burro is powerful. I have not figured out if it has something to do with the imagery of Juan Valdez, one of the most recognizable Colombian icons, but every time the Burro leaves a snarky remark, I feel like the voice of God has come down from the heaven and told me my blog really sucks. Just as my post yesterday attempted to spark the curiosity of people to read a book that I found quite interesting, he has to come and tell me hey what cult did you join. As I start to argue with a Burro, I think, why am I giving this quadruped any importance… could it be because I respect Daniel’s opinion. I then come to my senses and think of my tally of wining, “You know how I know you are gay” arguments with Daniel, and think of Donkey from Shreck when Burro makes a comment.

People seem to be very afraid of ideologies. Once someone has picked one, it sticks to them like peanut butter to the roof of your mouth. It makes them impossible for them to be eloquent in anything different and arguments are diminished to third grade level my daddy is cooler than yours. It is as silly as making me being all excited about how maybe reading more books in a certain subject could make me quicker at judging something, comparable to Jonestown. While I am not suggesting that the Burro is as extreme as the people plotting to kill a cartoonist for making fun of Muhammad, I do feel persecuted for making my post about something positive compared to joining the ranks of the followers of Xenu.

Monkeys All AROUND ME!

Maybe it is because I am reading Next by Crichton, or maybe it is because I am really surrounded. Monkey’s are a part of my life. A day does not go by where I don’t see one. I also love the word monkey and use it quite often. Now I know the Chimps are also going to be all up and arms about this, because they feels that even though they are simians they are not monkeys!!!

I wear an Acid Chimp shirt that my buddy gave me, or I should say the Acid Chimp myself. He is actually somewhat famous because he is part of the Hairball John radio show for the people that love the heavy stuff. He even has his own movie segment. You can listen online. The Chimp loves some of the obscure Asian films that are and acquired taste for some but I totally dig.

I am close friends with the Evil Monkey Racing group and their womanizing antics, even though now that I think about it two of the monkeys are married now… so there is only like a Monkey and half really lose. I make fun of the monkeys every time I can because even though they do have some pimp wisdom, the even had an advice column @ ChicagolandSportbikes.

I also visit Chimpotle every single day and laugh at the ranty manner in which he writes. He is the Chimp I want to be when I grow up. Recently I found that another chimp links to me. It even turns out that Hey Monkey she is a Chicago Monkey. I wonder if she is related in any way to the Evil Monkeys, probably not.

American Gladiators

American Gladiator Titan

American Gladiators premiered last night. It still has all the charm of the gladiators I remember watching when I was younger. They seemed to have tried to keep everything that was good from the original from the corny names to the best events.

I was very surprised to see Laila Ali as a host and not so surprised to see the Hulk. I compare the Hulk’s commentary to Madden’s in the sense that they both try to be serious but sound hilarious. They did move things along and I was very pleased with Ali’s skills as a host.

The challenges are a mix of new and old, some of the stuff even borrowed from the Ninja Warrior, and MXC aka Takeshi Castle. It think they even borrowed the voice of the main announcer. I also swear that the main referee is the same one that appeared on Dodgeball, but IMDB did not confirm it for me. I was glad to see hang tough and powerball come back. One of the funnest to watch beside the eliminator is the pyramid where the contestants are just totally outranked in size by the gladiators.

The gladiators are hilarious, Titan looks like a real live Ken doll on steroids because he looks almost made out of plastic (as pictured above). Wolf and Toa are totally made to be characters that just grunt and howl but Wolf seems to forget and talk once in a while. The only shame is the Hellga was not on more, We want Hellga!!!

The show is actually going to be on tonight on their regular time slot of 8/7 c so watch it, there is really nothing else on TV. It is pure dumb fun entertainment, you will laugh for sure.

No Title Friday Feast

Appetizer
What is your favorite carnival/amusement park ride?
Any kind of roller coaster, the faster and higher the better :)

Soup
How do you react in uncomfortable social situations?
I talk more, and since I already talk a lot that is saying something.

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy discussing deep, philosophical topics?
100. I enjoy nothing more than a good conversation about the meaning of life. Seriously, I love it.

Main Course

Did you get a flu shot this year? If not, do you plan to?
No and neVer… I get my flu airborne like everyone should.

Dessert
Approximately how many hours per week do you spend watching television?
Depends on Gilmore Girls… this week is like a record, like 30, like totally cool.

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