I think I am funny… yes, you heard it first, I am delusional. However, people do laugh at what I say, even though it is still up for discussion whether it is with me or at me, people do laugh. Recently I have been picking up the habit of listening to stand up comedy a day. It is something I enjoyed since I was a kid listening to the people that would come to the radio morning shows and Colombian stand up comedians.

I have started to listing to a variety and I find that some of them are not that funny, and even though they are not bombing on their shows, they are not getting that much of a reactions. If those dudes can make it, maybe I can too.

My wife has a pretty good sense of humor, and enjoys mine. It started as an inside jokes that some of our every day life occurrences were going to become part of my stand up. The more I said it as a comeback, them more it started to sound like a possibility. I mentioned it to a couple of friends and they said, do it… go to a local place and give it a try. One even said he will look for me and hold me to do it one of these days.

Without even knowing it, I have been working on material in my head for some time now. And unlike most comedians, I am not afraid of having someone else steal it, or do a version of it. I think that if you get bigger laughs from someone else’s jokes its cool… you do have to make it your own though. So with that thought in mind I present you my first bit.

Do you guys like reality TV?
I used to like it, but now I have realized that reality TV really does not exist. With most shows actually being scripted… I know hard to believe that they actually manipulate people into doing or saying things for money. I actually want to create a Reality TV channel… I know what you are thinking, there already is a Reality TV channel, but the one on right now is not my Reality TV channel.

I will have a show that is a group of friends trying to make it through their 20s, and don’t tell me there is already a show called friends or its most recent clone, how I met your mother, I know, I have seen them and they are not reality. Neither of the shows have a token minority friend, sure they all date minorities to show they are cool, but none of them actually have a friend of a different color… and while we are on the subject, when the being Jewish become a color? I hardly think that not eating a tasty animal like pork puts you on the same level with us “Chicharron” eaters, most Jewish people can keep their last name a secret and still pass for “white.”

Getting back to my real friends show, besides having real multiculturalism in my show, there will be real arguments. Friends will lose friends over money not being paid. Friends will help each other move and destroy and build backyard structures. Friends will forget their wallets when time to pay for dinner will come. When friend date each other the whole group has to break apart and take sides, and the baby mama drama will be real.

My reality TV channel will also have real commercials. None of these commercials that show beaches, flower fields and puppies, I am talking about real life. This is how I would advertise products, come with me.

A kid is trowing a huge tantrum and resists to go to bed, at first you would think I have already seen this in another channel, they are just advertising their Super Nanny show, but just wait. The kid is now running around crying and refusing to go to bed… then suddenly the kid stumbles and passes out… Voice over comes on, Super Drowsy Children Benadryl, because you also deserve a good night of sleep.

Real advertisement, for real life…

So what do you guys think? funny? I have a couple of more things for the bit and it is a work in progress, but give me some feedback.

Recent events have put Caesar Salad in a different category. I have never heard people talk about it more and in such detail… so I get a meme, you get to do it and piss off Meesha (who seems to still not have had sputnik removed from his behind ) on the process.

1. Without internet searching, does Caesar salad have fish on it?

2. Can you have just a salad as a meal?

3. What is your favorite dressing?

4. When was the last time you admitted you were wrong?

5. Do you remember the last time you climbed a tree?

Do it, post it, because I said so… doing it on the comments counts too… do whatever! Have a nice weekend.

I know my man card holding status is under question at the moment. It all started when I went to see the Sex and the City movie with the wife, and I totally think it is unfair to be judged this harshly by my peers. That movie was good, the series was pretty good and I feel like that one was not a painful thing to watch.

The only valid argument anyone has, its actually totally not my fault. Appearently taking my friend that was in town to the WWI liberty memorial flagged me as a frequenter of gay hangouts. In my defense, I did not know… aren’t your “boys” supposed to let you know before you step into these landmines? Also, I have no problem visiting a place with a phallic symbol right in the middle. I am totally secure in my sexuality and it is not like we went there in the middle of the night.

The latest argument, which does not have complete merit but I almost agree with is taking my wife to see Mama Mia. I am sorry but I grew up listening to ABBA and knew almost all the freaking songs, sad but it was a group that made it around the world with Chiquitita. So when she expressed interest, I said why not… better that one than another musical that I did not know any songs from.

The movie had funny parts, you could laugh out loud to. However, Pierce Brosnan cannot sing and it is almost painful to try to watch him do it. They recreated perfectly the scene in the club when a guy is using lines that will not work to the wrong girls… you watch and want to laugh, but you feel sorry. The other problem with the movie was that Meryl Streep was letting it all hang out and I have not reach the status Banky and XO have reached as cougar hunters, so my brain had an IO error trying to process that information.

Wookie made a great point in twitter

for every ONE chick flick you must see +3 Man Flicks (no homo) but you need to add +5 if it’s a Musical. “Grease” doesn’t count.

So no, I am not giving up my man card! I enjoy taking my wife to the movies even if it means catching a chick flick here and there… I say you can put my card under review, but not revoke it just yet.

I have only worked in a building with an elevator once before. It was a tall building, so there was no question about taking the elevator to the 29th floor. The building where I work at now has 4 floors and even though we are on the top, I could take the stairs no problem. Surprisingly, I have gone down the stairs more than I have taken them up.

Since being here there have been more than one elevator incident. From the construction crew dropping a container of industrial glue (probably a couple of gallons) to the elevators doors getting stuck in our floor. A little troubling was to see the repair dude not working on the doors, but on the second elevator when I saw him the next day.

I could take the stairs up, it would be great exercise, but I do not like to take the extra time that it will take me to do it or the possibility of sweating. Yes, I can probably sweat just by someone else looking at me for too long. I have however taken to parking in the far end of the parking lot for both shade and exercise.

I am a little claustrophobic. Not too much in man made structures, but a place like a cave makes me sweat just thinking about the walls collapsing, so I try have fun in elevators. I like making people a little weirded out by giving my back to the door. For some reason the rule is to face the door. I am not sure what about it bothers people, but it makes them uncomfortable, almost like I am about to trap them.

I had a couple of awkward moments in the elevator already. I do not mind the small talk there as much as I do in the public restroom. However, some people do not even make eye contact and treat the less than minute ride as an test of their powers to ignore other humans. If they could only exercise this skill in other places.

Today came the best interaction I had in an elevator. The lady who was waiting as I walked into the building to into the elevator and made no motion of holding it for me. I did not ask her to hold it, so I was not expecting it… but when I got closer she poked her head out and said, are you coming? little creepy.

When I walked in she asked where are you going, and I said fourth. “Thank God, I thought you were going to say Two.” At first, I thought that she was referring to people using proper language when asking for a button to be pushed as in second floor instead of two. That was not what she was taking about. She then started to ramble about how she cannot believe people that use the elevator to go to just the second floor (she was going to the third.)

If you have heard his comedy, you will understand why I used the title I used. He was one of my favorite comedians along with Eddie Izzard because of the cleverness of their comedy. I actually got to see George perform live about 4 years ago. He was funny, but I had already listened to most of his material, and the new stuff he tried was not ready. However, when his stuff is polished and ready for show time, it is hard to match him. Robin Williams might be more animated and do better voices, Eddie might be a little better with making you laugh at something that should not be funny, but Carlin was one of the bests when it came to not just delivering a line but a whole paragraph.

I can totally try to blame Chimpotle for this one, but in reality I have been racking up my hell points way before I met him. He would be proud to know that he has become a bad influence in my life. He just posted about two hilarious sites, and even though laughing at them should be enough to get me the one way ticket there, my brain had to once again take me to the place where the little devil in my shoulder lives.

The site is called Garfield minus Garfield and it is as simple as what it sounds like but it packs all kind of hilarity in that simpleness. Garfield has been one of my favorite cartoons my whole life, and John Arbuckle has always been such a secondary character that even Odie scores higher in my book. When I thought about it some more I figured that if it was not for Odie, Arbucle would be the male version of a cat lady. Still not hell worthy that I called a cartoon character what most people consider the lowest level of the social inadequacy meter. So what is it that I thought about and did that has such negative connotation?

Before I get into that I want to illustrate my previous low moment and reason that Chimpo is not the sole reason that I am going to hell. I was sitting inside the office at a company I worked at busy with writing computer code and accompanied by a couple of my coworkers. It was a small company and we did not really have a receptionist, so when the sales people would go to lunch, people would walk in and eventually be face to face with programmers. Yes we are almost like mythical creatures in companies that rarely get to see, and maybe due to good reasons. For the most part it would be people that ignored that no soliciting sign that ended up changing places like five places because my boss said that people did not see it.

So what pushed me over the edge on the highway abyss that time? A guy with a voice box. Even though I know that people that end up having a tracheotomy and are subjected to speaking via a voice box for the most part (at least the ones I have met, which surprisingly is up to like 3 now) have been people that caused harm to their own body because of smoking, I still think that laughing at them is wrong. He walked in asking for directions because his car had broken down, it was hard for all of us to keep straight faces because he sounded just like Ned from South Park. I held my breath for as long as I could and I was refusing to make eye contact with anyone else in the room. The guilt of making fun of someone with a disability was the motivation for not laughing at the moment, however I saw out of the corner of my eye that one of my coworkers was doing the same and turning purple. That made everything even funnier so I could not hold it anymore and started laughing along with the rest of the people in the room. The guy did get directions after we got our composure back and he was not offended, but it was still wrong. Funny, but wrong.

Something along those lines happened when I saw the Garfield site. I happen to know a 40 year old virgin, and as hard to believe the veracity of this claim, I would not want or know how to check to see if it was true. I know other people that also know this person, and his cat lady like reclusion. I could not resist the urge to not only laugh at joke, feel guilty for it, then laughing some more, but I had to share it with someone. I then proceeded to share the joke with some of our mutual friends, and while it is wrong to make fun of my acquaintance for being a real life John Arbuckle without Garfield, its freaking hilarious… I know, I know, I am going to hell.

The Burro is powerful. I have not figured out if it has something to do with the imagery of Juan Valdez, one of the most recognizable Colombian icons, but every time the Burro leaves a snarky remark, I feel like the voice of God has come down from the heaven and told me my blog really sucks. Just as my post yesterday attempted to spark the curiosity of people to read a book that I found quite interesting, he has to come and tell me hey what cult did you join. As I start to argue with a Burro, I think, why am I giving this quadruped any importance… could it be because I respect Daniel’s opinion. I then come to my senses and think of my tally of wining, “You know how I know you are gay” arguments with Daniel, and think of Donkey from Shreck when Burro makes a comment.

People seem to be very afraid of ideologies. Once someone has picked one, it sticks to them like peanut butter to the roof of your mouth. It makes them impossible for them to be eloquent in anything different and arguments are diminished to third grade level my daddy is cooler than yours. It is as silly as making me being all excited about how maybe reading more books in a certain subject could make me quicker at judging something, comparable to Jonestown. While I am not suggesting that the Burro is as extreme as the people plotting to kill a cartoonist for making fun of Muhammad, I do feel persecuted for making my post about something positive compared to joining the ranks of the followers of Xenu.