This outlet seems to has falter in the last year or so for me. I used to organize my thoughts here quite a bit and it made it interesting when other people were somehow inspired or pissed off by what my inner monologue sometimes came up with. Life changes thought, and the last year saw a lot of changes for me. The most significant to me was the death of someone really close to me which shook me… a lot… a lot more than I sometimes let on. I know how irrational it can sound, but sometimes when my leg falls to sleep for sitting in a weird position on the couch it brings terrible thoughts of ALS and paralysis… i know, irrational, but stills scary.
While a lot in my life has changed, a lot has stayed pretty much the same. I think I have changed a lot more than life around me. Even though I have spent my life preaching about opening your eyes about what is right in front of you, at times I was just as delusional as everyone else seemed. So yea, it still me, still the same rambles, still hoping it makes you think when you read what the weird voices in my head say.
I am still thinking that this place might have run its course and it might be just left to be an old book that I come back and read. Even though some entries are still living and getting comments, overall I don’t create content here like I used to. Some days I want to change that, some others it feels like the medium is tainted like photography still is to me in some levels. Something that you do for fun, should be enjoyed.
Which brings me back to packaged deals. I am told constantly that I deal too much in absolutes. I am aware of this deficiency on my way of thinking. People are not computers, or math equations… even if they do behave as such sometimes. At least that is how I understand some of them. I try, really I do, but seldom do people really tell you what they are really thinking or feeling, and often times people don’t even know how to put into words what they are feeling either.
Friends and groups of friends always come with some added benefits. Sometimes it is that some of them get you access to cool underground parties or a shorter line at the DMV. Other times those same groups of people come with a price, the person that makes everyone uncomfortable but nobody calls out. I always see those as packaged deals, you kind of have to take the good with the bad and just ignore the losses. I know that applies with not just groups, couples, etc but also with people.
Do you take all the good of a person and try to ignore some of the bad, or most of it? Is the friendship really worth it? Is the time investment something that truly will benefit you in the end.
I spent a good part of the first decade in this century figuring out that cutting people that are destructive in your life need to go. They are a waste of energy. What happens when those people come in a package though? What is then the deal breaker? When does a second chance come into place?
Confusing, I know. Maybe that is why I need to write more again. It seems like my brain is quite a mess at the moment. Funny thing is that it isn’t. I am at a very peaceful time at the moment. It is not void of issues and problems like life is, but I am ok with them and with the plans I have in place to move forward. However, the “nice” person in me feels like I should always reach out and give second chances in situations and not call things done. Maybe that is the part of being human that I am so uncomfortable with. You know the pan handle is hot, you know that you should get the oven mitt before you touch it, but how much can a little test touch can hurt?