THE ATTACK OF THE DOUCHE BAG!
So I have worked with douche-bags before. Monumental even. I can take the ones that are ignorant and a little racist; but this one is the combination of everything that is wrong with the world all wrapped into a single muscle shirt tightly wound package. Think of Musolini having sex with Snooky then the kid being raised by the Butabi brothers. The following are some of the things that I have wanted to or had to say… and I actually have said some of them out loud.
– Don’t call me DOG! we are not friends and you are not Randy Jackson.
– No, just because we have a Russian coworker it does not mean they belong to the KGB or the Russian Mafia.
– No, not all Colombians are drug dealers.
– No, I don’t want to see your hair chest showing.
– Yes, you do look like Eurotrash on that shirt.
– No, I don’t give a rats ass about your Rolex that you got in Vegas from a pawn shop.
– Please take your phone with you, your ring tone is offensive.
– No, you are NOT James Bond.
– No, I don’t care about what supplement you are taking.
– No, I don’t want to go to your “spot” for lunch.
– I am not impressed by your jacket with Ducati on it, ITS SUMMER, you DON’T need a jacket.
– You don’t even ride a motorcycle to work, do you even know what Ducati is?
– Yes, I have felt silk before. NO I DON’T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR SHIRT TO SEE HOW IT FEELS.
– Please quit looking up famous Colombian drug dealers in wikipedia.
– The JAMES BOND ring tone is annoying, too loud… PLEASE TAKE YOUR PHONE WITH YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR DESK.
– It is not wise to discuss bonus structures because different job codes get different percentages.
– HR sits right outside our cubes. See her… head of HR.
– No I am not mad, I just don’t want to talk to you.
– Yes I am on a conference call, hence the headset being light up.
– If you do rock climbing all the time, why do you spend so much time in the Gym.
– No, it is not cool to pelt people in racquetball, specially if they are 20 years your senior.
– No it is not ok to squat in an office that is not yours.
– Please stop talking to me.
Remember back in the day when I used to be friendly and wanted to have friends. I have been cured. I already have all the friends I need, the prospects out there for new ones are scary.