THE ATTACK OF THE DOUCHE BAG!

So I have worked with douche-bags before. Monumental even. I can take the ones that are ignorant and a little racist; but this one is the combination of everything that is wrong with the world all wrapped into a single muscle shirt tightly wound package. Think of Musolini having sex with Snooky then the kid being raised by the Butabi brothers. The following are some of the things that I have wanted to or had to say… and I actually have said some of them out loud.

- Don’t call me DOG! we are not friends and you are not Randy Jackson.
- No, just because we have a Russian coworker it does not mean they belong to the KGB or the Russian Mafia.
- No, not all Colombians are drug dealers.
- No, I don’t want to see your hair chest showing.
- Yes, you do look like Eurotrash on that shirt.
- No, I don’t give a rats ass about your Rolex that you got in Vegas from a pawn shop.
- Please take your phone with you, your ring tone is offensive.
- No, you are NOT James Bond.
- No, I don’t care about what supplement you are taking.
- No, I don’t want to go to your “spot” for lunch.
- I am not impressed by your jacket with Ducati on it, ITS SUMMER, you DON’T need a jacket.
- You don’t even ride a motorcycle to work, do you even know what Ducati is?
- Yes, I have felt silk before. NO I DON’T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR SHIRT TO SEE HOW IT FEELS.
- Please quit looking up famous Colombian drug dealers in wikipedia.
- The JAMES BOND ring tone is annoying, too loud… PLEASE TAKE YOUR PHONE WITH YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR DESK.
- It is not wise to discuss bonus structures because different job codes get different percentages.
- HR sits right outside our cubes. See her… head of HR.
- No I am not mad, I just don’t want to talk to you.
- Yes I am on a conference call, hence the headset being light up.
- If you do rock climbing all the time, why do you spend so much time in the Gym.
- No, it is not cool to pelt people in racquetball, specially if they are 20 years your senior.
- No it is not ok to squat in an office that is not yours.
- Please stop talking to me.

Remember back in the day when I used to be friendly and wanted to have friends. I have been cured. I already have all the friends I need, the prospects out there for new ones are scary.

5 Responses to THE ATTACK OF THE DOUCHE BAG!

  1. Oh man, this brings back memories of working in cubes. So glad I’m not doing that anymore, dog. ;)

  2. “Dewy! Did you just touch my ass?”

  3. dude, John… this guy sounds AWESOME – I don’t know what your problem is.

    I’d probably ask him to go to a Cubs game, get drunk with him, and just pray he doesn’t rape you in the cab ride afterwards.

    #toughbrosmayendupactuallyrapingyou

  4. Send him the URL for this blog.

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