Ham Not Welcome

I want to begin this post like every single good post begins with, a disclaimer. I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, or if I can afford groceries. I am very thankful and aware of how lucky I am for that. I am also in no way being ungrateful for the holiday gift that I received that is compiled in this post. This post is for entertainment purposes only and even though it is true, details have been left out to protect the innocent.

When we lived in Kansas City, besides our cats, it was just Bea and I. None of our animals eat table scraps, so Bea and I were the sole consumers of food in the house. For the holidays, someone higher up in the company where I used to work was nice enough to send us a Honey Baked Ham as a holiday gift. It was a nice token of appreciation.

The problem is that it’s just Bea and I, and we had a close to 20lb ham. I remember Bea saying, isn’t that a little big? I said, well, we’ll make sandwiches.

Day One
Excitement
We knew there was a package coming because we were asked if someone would be home to sign for a it. We said yes and it arrived. I did not get to say hello to our new family member until I got home and it started taking up half of the fridge on that lovely day. The honey made it smell wonderful, the glaze was crispy and delicious. Bea had never seen a spiral one before and I said no fear this is cool, took a couple of big pieces of Ham for dinner. I think we even got fancy and made side dishes. It was a glorious moment.

Day Two
Ham Sandwiches are AWESOME
I even had ham for breakfast, it was so good. I came home for lunch and had a nice ham sandwich and planned on even having it for dinner. The thought of possible gout did not even cross my mind.

Day Three
Denial
Even though we had been eating ham for two days, we were not making a dent on that monster. It was laughing at our consumption levels. Our attitude was, hey it won’t go bad for a while.

Day Four
Break
We decided to just not eat ham for a couple of days. We figured that we were just working on the big side of the thing, that as the with got smaller we would do better progress.

Day Five
What’s for Dinner
Mustard. Yes, that’s right. If you put enough mustard on ham it will not taste like ham. I am also coming to the realization that bees are evil and their honey is just some weird serum that tastes nasty.

Day Six
Creative
We can chop the ham and make it into other food. We can make all types of potato salads and other good tasty dishes. We won’t taste the ham! It won’t be bad. Oh yes it will, I can still taste that darn honey.

Day Seven
Help
We are going to have a party! If enough people come, we should be able to get rid of it all. Bea found the perfect recipe to make these little tasty sandwiches that tasted delicious to everyone, but we could barely stomach because of their ham content.

Day Eight
Fear
Even after hosting a party for over 10 people we still had almost half of the darn ham. Would it be bad if we just dump pounds worth of meat? None of our friends want to take any home. We don’t have family here to have another sandwich party.

Day Ten
Defeat
The ham mocks us. It laughs at us every time we open the fridge. I think even the milk tastes like honey ham for being stuck in there with the monstrosity. We wish it could be donated. We cannot possibly just dump it, can we?

Bea did not want to witness it, I did not want to do it, but we had to let it go. There was still a considerable amount of ham left, but the honey ham smell was almost repulsive to us now. I took the final piece and dumped it. It was gone, to never return again. So if you ever want to give us something eatable for X-mas, cookies, pop corn are cool. NEVER HAM!

10 Responses to Ham Not Welcome

  1. Funny stuff.

    Have a hard time believing none of your friends would take it, though: we pick up an 8-lb honey-baked and a 6-lb standing rib roast for Christmas each year. Many years I’m eating prime rib sandwiches up to New Year’s Eve, but there’s never any left-over ham by the day after Xmas…

  2. Oh, dear God. I still have nightmares! Great post, gordis! Made me laugh.

  3. Oh, you forgot to mention the mess the honey made in the fridge when it started dripping. Fun…

  4. I totally forgot about the honey making a mess, lol

  5. you could freeze it.now some poor pig died in vain.

  6. You should have tried to donate to a kitchen!

    But I also understand that this is normal in consumer America, so no way around it.

  7. We would have gladly donated it, and hindsight we should have done that from the beginning but we thought we were going to consume it.

    Its hard to donate handled food to a food pantry or kitchen. They do not take just any food for various reasons.

    It was for sure one of thing hardest things to get used to moving to the U.S. because as other Colombians would know, there is hardly ever any food that is ever thrown in the garbage because you always know someone in need in your own neighborhood. That is a whole other post.

    Camilo, this post was just to make people smile :)

  8. I completely understand – I was volunteering at a community garden, and some kitchens wouldn’t take food because it was not ready-to-serve. I suppose that this mentality might be changing.

    Veering off topic, I though that ham was cured precisely to last a long time? I know that that is not the case, so what changed?

  9. Oh it lasted a while, we just could not stomach to eat anymore. I changed the time line a little for humor, we probably consumed 90% of it. What was left was just taking up space and mocking us.

  10. Brilliant, funny piece. Loved it.

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