He is just not that into you

While this could be a movie review, its not going to be. I will quickly tell you that the movie is pretty good even though it is mostly from a very female perspective of things. The acting was as great as the ensemble cast, and it seems like (I never read the book) they did a good job interweaving several stories that were independent short ones in the book. A pretty great date movie if you ask me.

Bea and I talked a lot during this movie. We have both been in bad relationships and have learned lots from them. I don’t consider myself a relationship expert because I know what to do in a relationship, however, I do think I am above average in that department because I have learned what not to do.

I am a very frank person. As I get older I see how the world as a whole does not work on direct communication but rather lots of “spare feelings” and “political correctness.” Why is telling the truth such a hard thing? Why is over analyzing a situation or trying to guess what someone is thinking the norm?

Human beings are very complex, even the people that claim to be simple people. Motives are not always nefarious, and good intentions can have adverse consequences. I personally used to fall prey of thinking everything that happened around me had something to do with me, or take too many things personal. I still take a lot of pride on my work and relationships, but have learned that if someone’s issues or unhappiness are in some way caused by me, they will let me know. At least I expect them to tell me.

When it comes to relationships between couples a lot of this issues societies have with truth are amplified. I know couples that don’t talk about intimacy at all, even if there are issues. Money, religion, morals are all conversations that people should have while dating, but a lot of people wait until they are emotionally invested before finding out what someone thinks before they claim to “love” this person in that level.

One of my favorite conversations to have with people and I think everyone that plans to get married should have with their significant other is, “if you won the lottery right now, what would you do?”

People’s answers vary, some people want to be very self indulgent and travel (count me in), other want to pay off the debt of everyone around them (I’m right there too), some say charity because it is the right thing (I believe in good causes, but this one for me is more about involvement than money), most would help their family and friends. While this is not the ultimate gauge for anything, it does give you an idea of what the person would do… it would also tell you if they have completely opposite views on money than you. How your finances are handled plays a huge role in your relationship, and trust me when I say that if you don’t see eye to eye there will be issues.

It still surprises me that so many people never say what they really mean, but rather what they think the other person wants to hear. It makes having relationships that much harder and I think without any real reason for it. The movie makes it seem a little like woman are more at fault for creating alternate realities where the guys are just clueless drones that need to be figured out, but when a man does not communicate their intentions or feelings there is a lot of room for interpretation. So mean what you say, and say it often, specially if it is that you love those around you :) like it should be!

Have an excellent week everyone!

10 comments on “He is just not that into you

  1. I read that book, but didn’t see the movie. The cast looked great, but I REALLY have to be in the mood to see a chick flick, even though I’m a chick.

    Could you imagine the world if people didn’t have drama? But that’s what a lot of people crave.

    And maybe the people who don’t talk about “taboo subjects” got to be the norm because the people who do talk about such things in their homes didn’t see a reason to go out in public and announce it!

    Keep learning what to do and what not to do and avoid the drama that engulfs many other people, you’ll be all set .

  2. “Why is telling the truth such a hard thing?”

    Because truth does not exist.

    At least, not in the sense you reference. There is no single emotional truth available to all humans; everyone’s experience of life has been different, and that includes accepted modes and expressions of love. Toss in local, regional, national and ethnic cultural expressions, mores and taboos on love, sex, religion and mythology and it is a wonder we get along at all.

    [ In fact, until the concept of the nation-state (and its unilateral appropriation of legitimate force), we didn’t get along. We were wondering tribes with strong parochial tendencies, wary of any interaction with other tribes. Any little thing would put us at each other’s throats in a heartbeat. We, in fact, still do not get along well today – look at the massive segmentation in this country between those who “believe” and those who don’t; between the types of believers themselves; between any –ism and any other –ism… The fact of the matter is, were this country less rich in diversion, were it less geographically expansive, the simmering currents of loathing that bubble up during election years would have long since boiled over. ]

    That being the case, why would one expect “truth” to one an absolute between a man and a woman? Or a woman and a woman. Or between X.O. and M.V., for that matter? Or M.V. and the smorgasbord of food he seems to have dedicated himself to lately?

    The fact that there is not a universal truth means people have to say things that are an approximation of the truth, as they understand it to apply to themselves and their partner, said people, having no more advanced tool for communication then their partners, responding in kind. No wonder we find ourselves so often in mires at once of and not of our own making!

    It’s called the human condition.

    ; ‘ )

  3. Well, I couldn’t disagree more about the (lack of) merits of the movie. You two “talked a lot during the movie”. Case closed.

    But I do agree that communication is key to a successful relationship. In fact, it’s almost the definition of a successful relationship. Of course, a lot of people have trouble expressing what they think because they don’t know what they think. And as Nick alluded to, what we think may not be consistent overtime, as we explore our personal truths more and more.

    Definitely food for thought. But to anyone else reading this, avoid that movie like it’s the plague.

  4. I thought the movie was better than I expected and I loved some of the home interiors (yes, a girly thing, I admit). As far as truthfulness, it’s often hard if the person on the other side isn’t comfortable with it, so I might avoid it if I don’t think its’ going to do any good.

    As far as the lottery, I was asked that question a few years ago on a job interviews, and since I knew the interview hadn’t gone well, I asked “I assume you wouldn’t expect me to continue working here, right?”

  5. Hey, John.

    Haven’t seen the movie, but want to comment generally.

    A while back, I was close, very close, to the nuptials. I had just been laid off, but was confident in my ability to land another gig based on my experience. The months rolled on. Side jobs, interviews and rejections. No offers from the professional world. I grew desperate, and fearful of my inability to contribute significantly to our future livelihood.

    While she was stable in a corporate job (though going through somewhat serious financial troubles on her end with a failed relationship), my pride would not allow me to make things official until I was certain I was on solid feet once again.

    Our communication was poor on the deepest levels, but I had shining moments like this. I called her one night (it was a long-distance relationship) and asked her a single question that could very possibly become a reality based on our current situation: “If left with our *last* $100, would you rather enjoy a nice meal together, or buy a tangible object like a sconce?” (She was accustomed to nice things.)

    Without hesitation, her immediate reply? “I think I’d like the sconce.”

    My heart sank, and my decision was made.

    I didn’t communicate enough through or beyond the emotional wave. A lesson hard learned and later respected.

    I’m now involved in the most amazing relationship in my life precisely because I have since made a point to overcommunicate (to use a biz term). My true one-and-only and I are committed to open, frank, funny, embarrassing, cheesy, honest, revealing, respectful, caring, real and *truthful* conversations on every and any topic. Committed. We are, because we know that that is the only way we will truly understand each other, to work together to make this the most amazing experience of our lives.

    I have to say that I believe in my heart that we are on the right track.

    Great post, my friend.

  6. I would like to thank the woman who made that decision, Michael. If not for her, we would not have found each other and I would not be feeling like the luckiest woman in the world. I hope you know what my answer would have been. I love you.

  7. Banky. Amen. Oddly enough, she left with a (my) Pier One candle set. I wish her well, but have enjoyed many the canoli since.

  8. That is one expensive scone!

    Love is an amazing thing, without communication or over-communication as you wisely put it, it does not grow.

    Love is not an object that can be kept safe, it is a living thing that needs to be cared for every day.

    This week I was remembering how Bea and I started our relationship and while this might sound “hella” cheesy I read one chapter of her favorite book “The Little Prince” every night to her over the phone or skype before she went to bed, that is how we would end our days apart. The book even though it is a children book its amazing in the life lessons it contains about love and friendship, it brought us closer and it water that seed that was growing a little more each day.

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