Bad Sex

Sex is supposed to be a good thing, but even this article shows us that it seems people need to be convinced. Why is it that so many people today need to be told that sex is a good thing? Isn’t the continuation of our species a good enough cause? Did people forget it feels good?

The moment our significant others start having sex with us because it might help lower their blood pressure or make them lose weight instead of because they love us and love making love to us, we are in trouble!

This topic is becoming almost depressing for me. It should be the complete opposite since I have a very healthy sexual life and without going into details I am pretty satisfied. However, what it seems like a high percentage of my friends are going through some difficult times in this department and I am sad to say I know how that feels. I not only saw it ruin relationships but it actually ended a couple of marriages close to me.

I have been in 5 long term relationships where there was regular sex. Yes I did have premarital sex and I am all for it, but that is a topic for another post. Out of those relationships where sex was involved only one of them had horrible sex, and the reason for it was that the relationship was the worse I have ever been into.

Bad sex can deteriorate a relationship very quickly, however many people don’t understand that it is directly related to the health of the relationship. I believe our current society is killing any chance for relationships to be healthy because of extremes. The people that look at sex in a very open free way tend to take it almost as far as the people that think it should only be for recreation.

I try to always look at both sides of the coin, but I only have the male perspective on this matter and I can tell you what killed sex for me in the past. I also know that it was also responsible to for relationship dynamic deterioration and more importantly my emasculation. Males need sex as much as females need to be told they are pretty, cuddled with and romanced. While we appreciate a hey, you clean up nice when we put a suit on, the ultimate compliment for a male is when his woman tells him she wants him in bed.

Sex started good in that relationship, but it quickly deteriorated. What started the problem is that sex became currency in the relationship. I think the moment the sex become a service provided for one of the people in the relationship, a marriage becomes more or less a form of prostitution. Yes, I did go that far, because prostitution is defined as the act or practice of engaging in sexual relations in exchange for something, especially for money.

The moment you hear, if you pick up the kids I will do that thing you like and you are excited because you have not had sex for more than a week, you my friend are in trouble. I have actually encountered several posts where one of the people in the relationship asks how much sex is normal… it really bothers me that in our society it have become so taboo to talk about sex that we have to ask strangers to convince the other person in our relationship that we should have more sex.

Sex became so bad for me in that relationship that it was a chore that nobody wanted to do. I ended up with performance problems, anxiety, guilt and all kinds of other problems which surprisingly went away once I was out of that horrible relationship. Worse is I ended up not liking sex with that person all that much, but then I had no other outlets so the frustration would just build up.

While that was not the only problem with that relationship, I think it can destroy a relationship or actually destroy people. A man that has to beg his spouse for sex becomes more and more emasculated with time, which I believe will cause conflict. Any kind of frustration will create resentment and eventually it will just end up being something else in a to do list and not the fun, loving, intimate thing sex is supposed to be for a couple.

So if you are in this situation right now what do you do?

First you have to address the problem in an open way. No games to be played here, they will only lead to power struggles. Convince your partner that sex is not for you, it is for the relationship and it should not become currency. If the other person really does not want to have sex it is probably due to an external factor.

If the problem is attraction or libido, there are plenty of ways to fix that. If the problem is more psychological, then you need to also address it. If the problem is lack of time, then make it a priority and make time. The only thing that you should not do is just ignore it, or say it will get better or come back. Believe me, it will get worse before it gets better. A marriage is a lot of work, don’t make sex something that feels like work.

9 Responses to Bad Sex

  1. Wow man, what an interesting post. I’ve got to say I agree with your points completely. Especially the “prostitution” aspect. I really wish I could get my wife to read this. You could teach Dr. Phil a few things!

  2. I agree. Bad sex (or no sex) is the worst thing for a relationship. Even more than no money. At least you still have each other to have and hold.

  3. Yeah, it is pretty bad when your spouse puts you off most of the time and finally all the stars are aligned and she tells you to wait until that night (because apparently it is evil to do during daylight hours) and when the night rolls around she “forgets” all about it.

    Uhhh, not that it has ever happened to me!!

    Grumble….grumble

  4. I agree with Chuck, totally. Not going to happen though.

  5. I found you through Google Alerts. Very interesting comes up daily. I love the service.

    About your post itself…I’ve long believed that women who use sex to control a relationship are (dishonest and manipulative) prostitutes. I’ve wondered what guys think about these sort of games. Yours is an honest answer.

    Although I do have a different take on the root of “bad” sex in a relationship. I do not believe the majority of humans are naturally monogamous and nothing makes sex bad more than boredom. Trying to force yourself into getting excited about someone you’ve been with for years can lead to all sorts of other relationship problems. Yes, this is a big can of worms. It’s just my $0.02.

    XX

  6. It’s interesting that you post this for I’ve had relationships with men where I actually wanted to have sex more than they did. I’ve talked to other women and they have partners the same way — so I think the key is really to find someone that you’re compatible with, whether you’re the daily kind or once week or once a month. I think people often compare it too much to the honeymoon phase of when they first get together and I don’t think anyone sustains that schedule:)

  7. Becky,

    There are plenty of women who want more sex in a relationship than the guy. There can be a number of reasons for this, one is that he’s sexually bored. And there are plenty of women who taper off the sex. Even if these women never have affairs and never admit to being bored — I think they are. (After 20 years of marriage, things get a little stale for both partners.)

    Humans love the new and love stimulation. Some want “new” more than others.

    XX

  8. I agree totally with the article. I just ended a relationship because of sex. we were just not sexually compatible because I wanted to do it all the time and she was fine with once a month. I tried to romance her thinking maybe that was the issue but to no avail. we had a two year relationship and I never cheated!!! But I was sexually frusrated the whole time!! I never wanted to dump her over sex because I felt like that would be wrong. when i finally was like , enough is enough, I dumped her she told me she was happy and she feels like I am making up this issue and that I didn’t want to be with her for other reasons when in fact it was totally sex related. I still care about her but she thinks I’m a jerk when I can only feel how I feel. I am however relieved to be out of the relationship and even though I haven’t had sex since, I don’t feel as frustrated as being on my p’s and q’s all month in hope while waiting around for that once a month oppurtunity. When we did have sex, after she came that was it. SO if I didn’t hurry up and cum then i’d have to wait another month. We were best friends and now she can’t even talk to me, and although I care and love her, I am angry at her cause we didn’t work out because of sex. How sad….lesson learned: Make sure the compatilibility is there sexually before you’re in too deep and look like a jerk at the end of the day.

  9. I like this article only im having a different issue…..my husband and i have regular sex but im having dreams about sex with other men..some of which are his friends…and i have never cheated but its happening in my dreams and im not sure if im getting bored with my spouse or this is normal?

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