While at Vegas we got to see some excellent entertainment. However when we went to the comedy show part of the Vegas Comedy Festival I ended up with a bitter, sweet taste in my mouth. The first disappointments came when I could not get tickets to Eddie Izzard my favorite comedian. I had no clue the festival was going on until I arrived there, and well Eddie was one of the only people that actually sold out.

Chelsea Handler and Jim Breuer were billed together and the tickets were easy to come bay. I have seen Chelsea’s show on TV and found it mildly amusing, Breuer I remember mostly from Half Baked and SNL and was somewhat excited to see up close. I had been walking all day on the strip and the show was at midnight. I needed to be entertained or I was probably going to doze off into the night.

Breuer came out and killed. I now know him a little better and wish I had satellite radio to hear his show. I learnt about him that he loves his family and is devoted to them. His sense of humor was not just right on, he really worked the audience. His stand up was freshed and I only wish he did more of it. I really look forward to more of his material and if it was not for him I would have been totally disappointed about them whole experience.

Chelsea Handler I actually feel sorry for. I have never seen someone with a TV show actually not do their homework. She not only used old jokes, Asians are bad drivers for example, she actually bombed completely on a couple of her wannabe shocking racist jokes. It would have felt a little better if it was boos that people did but it was more of a collective ouch… that was a stupid joke.

She opened up her act by bringing out her little person friend that was a worse plant than the fake palm tress inside of the hotel. The she moved onto making everyone uncomfortable with her masturbation joke that went on for 20 minutes way too long. Then her self deprecating I am a whore jokes somewhat made people laugh until she went for race.

Racist jokes are not as funny as some people might think. Pointing out the obvious jokes mixed with race can sometimes not be as offensives as just stupid old stereotype ones. Well she went for every single stereotype she could think of. I can only think that maybe she was completely unprepared and showed up to Vegas just to gamble and get laid. I will pass on her comedy from now on and look forward to listening to Breuer when I get the chance.

The following are some of the things I bring back from Vegas as far as knowledge goes…

* Bring some comfortable shoes.
* You are going to walk no matter what.
* Expensive restaurant have no clue at handling parties bigger than 6.
* You can get mugged right on the strip.
* People are dumb enough to smoke a water bong on the strip and then get caught by police.
* Sleep is hard to come by in Vegas.
* Do not get tickets to shows before you get there unless they are brand new, you can get them for way cheaper there.
* Not all Cirque Du Soleil are created equal.
* You have to see Cirque Du Soleil live, it is a must do thing in life.
* The locals are way nicer than the people that move there for some quick money.
* Vegas is trying to capture the Spring Break vibe… or vice versa?
* Gambling can be fun when done in moderation.
* Getting drinks while playing at a table is a lot easier than when playing slots.
* There are sharks at even the cheap poker tables.
* Do not shop at any of the malls inside of the casinos, they are a rip off.
* Even if you went to sleep at 5 A.M. your body will still wake you up by 8 A.M. because it is already 10 A.M. back home.
* Hotels off the strip are not that bad at all.
* The more wiling you are to look for a good deal, the less you will pay.
* Cab drivers will take you for a longer ride even when you know where you are going.
* Some cab drivers are actually nice people that are not trying to milk an extra dollar from you, tip them well.
* If you to to a hotel for a meal, check for deals that are included with a show or attraction.
* For a free pretzel go to MGM and watch a preview of a new TV show, after rating it your only free gift is a pretzel.
* It is fun to rate a show nobody has seen yet.
* Farmer wants a wife might be a new TV show.
* Limos to and from the airport are not too expensive when you slip them with other people and very convenient.
* I am the lightest looking 270 lb guy in NV, I got a free teddy bear for my wife thanks to my fat ass… the guesser was 20 off.
* Do not go to Vegas for a vacation, you will need one after you come back.

I spent 5 days over at Sin City, my wife joined me for the last 3 days and we had a blast. I have tons to post about but no time to really do it justice just yet. We saw some awesome shows, some others not so good, stayed in pretty nice places and overall had an exhausting time. Thinking of going back soon for sure

We are on our way back from Vegas… it was a lot of fun, lots to post about but for now I am just chilling at the pool until the limo arrives.

Appetizer
What was your first “real” job?
Attendant at a place that rented Nintendos by the hour. Kind of like an early cyber cafe, but for Nintendo games.

Soup
Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity?
I think Barcelona Spain would do just that, but I have some great ideas late at night too.

Salad
Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when…
When I write Spanish and don’t use the proper symbols.

Main Course
What values did your parents instill in you?
Hard work. They showed up to work every day, even when they did not feel like it.

Dessert
Name 3 fads from your teenage years.
Starter Jackets, Rat Tails and The Macarena, and I had to live that one twice!!!

My first time at the Sprint Center came with a lot of expectation. I have read a lot about the place and have been wanting to visit it since I first moved to KC and saw the structure being built. I am not the biggest country music fan, in fact I kind of dislike most of it, but last night I became a total cowboy wannabe. Garth Brooks is a great entertainer and he puts on a great show. So lets see how the Sprint Center did.

Parking

I heard a lot about parking for an event at the Sprint Center from the local media and I am sorry to say they are all wrong. If you park close to the event you are going to be stuck on traffic for a while, I knew that just from going to big events before. We decided to go for drinks at Vivaces first and meet the couple that was going with us to the concert. We then drove only one car a little closer to the arena and found parking right away. We went into a parking garage that was advertising 5 dollar parking only 5 blocks away. It was a beautiful night and 5 blocks is not a long walk. This also helped tons getting out because there was no opportunity for build up of traffic and since we were not going towards the highway like everyone else that simplified things. We were back home in less than 30 minutes.

The Arena

Even though I was impressed with the size from the outside of the arena, I was not too impressed when I was inside. It is more of a sports arena than for concerts, I really hope they get a team or it would really be a waste. We are lucky enough to have a private box at the center thanks to my boss, but if I had to buy tickets I think the best seat in the place for a concert is actually behind the stage. Those seats are at the best viewing angle for sure. The acoustics of the place seemed fine to me, I am not an expert on the subject but I heard every note.

The Crowd

Yes, I have to rub it in a little more. Going in as a VIP is the way to go. No line to get in for us, but general admission an hour before the show it wrapped around the block but it seemed to flow. Everyone seemed to have a great time and the noise level was amazing when Garth came out to play, compared to the cheers when his wife started the night. The people that worked inside all seemed to be very nice and attentive, the best thing to get food wise is in the Quick Trip inside the arena. The Founders private bar was not anything too special and I believe the prices of the food in there are the same as everywhere else.

The Show

Garth’s wife sang a couple of good songs that I actually recognized, one was a cover of “How do I live without you” and the other one was “American Girl.” She did a very short set and I think did an excellent job. I did not like that there was a big pause between her show and Garth’s I kind of felt like she should have warmed up the crowd and then led right into him singing.

Garth is an amazing entertainer. He works the crowd like nobody else I have seen live. He truly wants to make you a cowboy for the night and take you on a ride. I did wear the belt buckle that Travis gave me, so I had at least one piece of Country attire. His songs are pretty timeless and even for a non country fan I seemed to know a lot of them. Even though he did a long set it seemed to go by way too fast.

The Verdict

The Sprint Center is one of the best arenas I have been to. It seemed like it was very well organized and if you are willing to walk some blocks you can park pretty cheap. As long as the scalpers do not ruin the chance to get tickets I believe that this arena will become one of the best places in the country to go see a show. Go take a look at the pictures at my wife’s flickr.

So my friend Mark tells me the other day, dude post something funny, you have been way too serious in your blog… at first I thought I should up the profanity quota along with the use of… but then…

Two things occurred to me, one is that I found other outlets for my humor in the form of tumblr and facebook… and two that being funny on command is actually just too freaking hard.

I have used the line from Goodfellas way too much, the “what am I, a clown, do I f*ing amuse you?” in situations where people put me on the spot to actually be funny. Boondock Saints also has a hilarious scene where Ron Jeremy (fully clothed) puts Rock through a very awkward time… you have to see the movie to get this (if you have not, don’t read my blog anymore… you have homework to do.)

I have discussed it with my wife several times that I should start writing down some of the jokes I tell her and come up with a stand up. She laughs at my jokes partly because she loves me… but I can be funny… and it is mostly because of my accent sometimes making some word sound funnier than they already are, you should hear me say motherf*er… it comes out more like morerfoker than anything else and it get at least a smile every time.

Last year I came out with one funny saying, and since I still have not patented I might as well disclose it to see if it catches on, or just totally offends the billions of Chinese people that actually read English (I could have been a d!ck and said Engrish but I did not)…(and I yes, I do have Chinese friends, and they are not token friends.) I was having a conversation with my friend Tom and we were talking about some people overcomplicated simple things. In the corporate word people use the word utilize way too much. Anyways, I came up with the saying, yes that is more complicated than Chinese alphabet soup… I am not sure if it was just the moment, but I still laugh about that one.

The other funny story as of recently was a bit I did about going shopping with my wife and it goes like this. I refuse to go to the grocery store with my wife. In the past I had to wait for way too long while she checked every single teabag on the darn place looking for just right combination of spicy, sweet, citric type of tea. It is even worse in the cereal isle. I still pick my cereal based on cartoon characters, in Colombia it was Melvin the Elephant who was the mascot of Choco-Krispsies(I think in the US is called Cocoa and the mascot is a monkey), here in the US is Tony the Tiger… but no that is not good enough of her for my wife, she wants a bran cereal with the health properties of raisin bran but without the raisins.

I have even tried to go just in and out to pick up bread and milk with her but it has backfired. In a effort to minimize the visit’s length I did not get a cart or even a basket, I figure if she that I cannot carry much more she would take pitty on me. This particular day a 10 pound jumbo size steak happened to be on sale on the way to the milk and bread… and it just so happen that blocks of cheese were also available for sale… so as I carry 10 pounds of lean jumbo meat on one hand and juggle cheese blocks and a milk jug on the other (she did carry the bread) the trip down the refrigerated isle reminded my blatter that it was about to explode(thank health nuts for convincing me that drinking litter after litter of water is good for me!)

I say, honey could we hurry up, I really need to hit the bathroom. At the moment she was looking at little plush toys that are strategically located on your way out, if you have kids you know that it is torture to try to walk out of any place because everything is placed on your way out. When you think that you have already managed to get out of a place without having to buy every shinny, sugary, latest toy in the world thing they get you with the “it is just a quarter crap.”

So she ignores me and continues to look at the stuffed dolphin that is obviously telling her, I am homeless please bring me home… and I repeat, honey, I just wanted to come in and out… can we please get going. I swear, Linda Blair was slower than what her neck did when she turned around and told me, you have no patience for shopping with me.

So that is my bit and attempt at being funny, if you don’t like it I am sorry for your lack of sense of humor.