Thanks for the pressure

So my friend Mark tells me the other day, dude post something funny, you have been way too serious in your blog… at first I thought I should up the profanity quota along with the use of… but then…

Two things occurred to me, one is that I found other outlets for my humor in the form of tumblr and facebook… and two that being funny on command is actually just too freaking hard.

I have used the line from Goodfellas way too much, the “what am I, a clown, do I f*ing amuse you?” in situations where people put me on the spot to actually be funny. Boondock Saints also has a hilarious scene where Ron Jeremy (fully clothed) puts Rock through a very awkward time… you have to see the movie to get this (if you have not, don’t read my blog anymore… you have homework to do.)

I have discussed it with my wife several times that I should start writing down some of the jokes I tell her and come up with a stand up. She laughs at my jokes partly because she loves me… but I can be funny… and it is mostly because of my accent sometimes making some word sound funnier than they already are, you should hear me say motherf*er… it comes out more like morerfoker than anything else and it get at least a smile every time.

Last year I came out with one funny saying, and since I still have not patented I might as well disclose it to see if it catches on, or just totally offends the billions of Chinese people that actually read English (I could have been a d!ck and said Engrish but I did not)…(and I yes, I do have Chinese friends, and they are not token friends.) I was having a conversation with my friend Tom and we were talking about some people overcomplicated simple things. In the corporate word people use the word utilize way too much. Anyways, I came up with the saying, yes that is more complicated than Chinese alphabet soup… I am not sure if it was just the moment, but I still laugh about that one.

The other funny story as of recently was a bit I did about going shopping with my wife and it goes like this. I refuse to go to the grocery store with my wife. In the past I had to wait for way too long while she checked every single teabag on the darn place looking for just right combination of spicy, sweet, citric type of tea. It is even worse in the cereal isle. I still pick my cereal based on cartoon characters, in Colombia it was Melvin the Elephant who was the mascot of Choco-Krispsies(I think in the US is called Cocoa and the mascot is a monkey), here in the US is Tony the Tiger… but no that is not good enough of her for my wife, she wants a bran cereal with the health properties of raisin bran but without the raisins.

I have even tried to go just in and out to pick up bread and milk with her but it has backfired. In a effort to minimize the visit’s length I did not get a cart or even a basket, I figure if she that I cannot carry much more she would take pitty on me. This particular day a 10 pound jumbo size steak happened to be on sale on the way to the milk and bread… and it just so happen that blocks of cheese were also available for sale… so as I carry 10 pounds of lean jumbo meat on one hand and juggle cheese blocks and a milk jug on the other (she did carry the bread) the trip down the refrigerated isle reminded my blatter that it was about to explode(thank health nuts for convincing me that drinking litter after litter of water is good for me!)

I say, honey could we hurry up, I really need to hit the bathroom. At the moment she was looking at little plush toys that are strategically located on your way out, if you have kids you know that it is torture to try to walk out of any place because everything is placed on your way out. When you think that you have already managed to get out of a place without having to buy every shinny, sugary, latest toy in the world thing they get you with the “it is just a quarter crap.”

So she ignores me and continues to look at the stuffed dolphin that is obviously telling her, I am homeless please bring me home… and I repeat, honey, I just wanted to come in and out… can we please get going. I swear, Linda Blair was slower than what her neck did when she turned around and told me, you have no patience for shopping with me.

So that is my bit and attempt at being funny, if you don’t like it I am sorry for your lack of sense of humor.

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