Bea told me to write about what I am going through. It is a good feeling to know that someone “gets” you and encourages you in every step you take. I sometimes trust too easily and that can be considered a personality flaw. I have trusted my feelings and instincts before, and they have failed me only a handful of times. I have trusted other people and it is sad that so many people in the world just cannot be trusted. I am lucky that I do have many people around me that deserve my trust. They are the ones that make my life the beautiful garden it is today.
I was lied to recently by someone I thought was becoming a friend. This lie was probably not one of the biggest ones I have been told in my life but it directly violated my trust on that person. I had asked a straight question and got a lie for an answer. The bad part was not the lie, I could have even lived with the lie, the bad part was the words or reassurance sprinkled over the lie. The sort of thing that a man says to another man, “I got your back.”
My instincts had told me that this person was not to be trusted in situations where there was going to be pressure. If in a bar, with a bunch of people a fight broke out I knew I could not count on this person to have my back. Even with that knowledge I took the words this person said as somewhat of a oath to be there for me when I needed them. I was not going to be left hanging.
When I had to hear about the history of my parents relationship after their divorce I realized something. My Dad had never fully trusted my Mom. He had not trusted her from the moment they had met each other. Doubt is a powerful ally to fear and they can eventually take over someone’s mind. Even though jealousy was not the only culprit on that relationship’s demise, it was certainly one of the weeds that took over the plants of love and turned that relationship into a wasteland.
What happened to me recently was overall without much consequence. This person was obviously not a friend, but just someone I knew and had to put trust on. Trust that maybe was not deserved at all. We all make mistakes, however insult was added to injury after the situation transpired. In the end I do have people that have my back, and well, that person was not going to do much backing anyway… that I knew. The biggest loss was that a relationship I thought was flourishing had never even been planted. A friendship seed planted on barren ground…