Of Dating and Love

I had an excellent weekend with some of my friends here and KC and the topic of dating came up. It seems that everyone disliked dating quite a bit. Love seemed to be a distant mistress that was never palpable to those that so desperately seek her.

While dating is an interesting concept it is one that not everyone wants to sign up for. Meeting people is a hassle when you are willing to put your heart on the line. Finding trustworthy friends is a hard task, imagine finding someone that you are going to give everything, mind, body and soul.

The easy answer that I hear all the time, and even at times I give, is don`t worry about it… it will happen when it is supposed to! but what happens when your biological clock is ticking, or you just simply don`t want to be alone? Why is it a crime that you want to find the “one.”

I know several people that if I could do the magic matchmaker thing, I would without hesitation. The problem is that meeting and liking someone is a process that involves more than just personalities to match. What eharmony promises is hardly the answer to love. The most compatible human to you might just be your chemical opposite.

The big issue is that when we enter a relationship with someone we don`t already know, we end up looking at a mask and not the real person. We try to see everything that we like in that other person and little by little we start discovering who that other person really is. The complete opposite happens if you date someone you have known as a friend for a while. That is probably the ideal situation when it comes to dating.

Building a group of friends is the easiest way to find actual people that you can eventually date. It is an easy way to find new people without having to go to dating sites or singles events.

The big plus to a group of friends is also the human contact factor. I think that one of the reasons we end up falling for fruitless relationships is because we become starved for contact with other humans and as time passes we will settle for anything instead of waiting for what we really need.

I wish that dating was a way of finding love, but in reality love finds you. The more we seek it, the further it seems to go. I do not miss dating at all, but I do think is an important part of life. It is the time that we spend figuring out not so much what we want out of a relationship, but what we don`t want.

It is not a cynical view, really. It simply means that once you find someone who you do not see anything that you truly dislike, or someone who`s flaws somehow compliment you, your “search” has ended. If you feel like you know yourself better after spending time with that person, or that you are more who you are than you were ever before… brace yourself, you have found love.

4 Responses to Of Dating and Love

  1. I guess we cannot generalize about this kind of issue. Everyone has their individual experiences. I hate dating, simply hate it. The agony, the stupid rules, the survival of the fittest theory, etc… etc.

    Now, what is love? I have no idea. It just happens, and you can feel it in many ways that aren’t the same for everyone. Some people see it coming, some people work on it, some other people get hit with a ton of bricks.

    What’s important is not how relationships start, but what we do in order to make them work and commit.

    I don’t consider myself an expert, but having been through divorce, I kinda learnt to see things from a different perspective. I once thought I had become a cynic. Luckily that was not the case. It just takes time, to look for love, to find it. And then it takes a lot of effort to keep it going.

    I have yet to meet someone who’s completely convinced love actually sucks. Those who claim such thing are thirsty for love, badly burnt after being in love or simply hopeful that it’s going to happen someday.

  2. I guess if I have to define love, I go back to the same thing I have thought for a while… it is loving someone as much as they love you… true love is equal love… true commitment… true compromise.

    I have yet to feel like I had to give something up to be with you. I guess that is why it feels so good to call you my wife. ;)

  3. I’ve never been in the friends-make-better-lovers camp. I met my wife and we started taking steps towards marriage in weeks. It seems like whenever I’d known the person too long I had difficulty getting past the awkward stage. But then again I think that different people are more suited to different kinds of relationships happening and I guess I’m the kind of guy that needs to be trapped (sometimes by her, but more often by a flood of amorous emotion) first and then I either escape or decide that I like it where I am, otherwise I just think everything to death.

    I’ve heard it said that luck is preparation meeting opportunity. I think the same is true of love. Or the love worth keeping, anyway. I think that some people spend so much time trying to hunt down opportunity that they’re not really prepared for it when they find it. Sounds paradoxical, perhaps, but I think it better to have a firm footing in your own life (preparation) in terms of career, friends, and so on… and then you’re ready to start looking. I made the mistake of not getting firm footing simply because I didn’t want it to be incompatible with a potential mate. That resulted in some wasted time.

  4. I agree with Will. Friendships, although easy, are not my ideal of marriage: I meet someone, and then I am flooded with emotion. My friends I love and appreciate, but I like skydiving, not kite flying.

    But I do agree with you, logtar, in that love just shows up – it is not about going around looking for it, is about knowing yourself – that way, whenever that person shows up, you will know that you can love them and accept their love.

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