I used to never post about my personal life, then little by little I started to open up and post more and more. I went through some rough waters and even though I had some of my situation out in the open, not by my choice, I chose to take the high road and not start a very public online air out your dirty laundry.

At the same time, I felt very violated when it came to my online life. Sure this is not the most important part of my life but it is a part of it. This blog has been my outlet for years now and even though I even consider closing it all together, I realized that there is a lot of value to what I do here. I think what I write has value for other people, but what I write here has a lot of value to me.

I like expressing my opinions, but I have realized that I also like expressing my emotions and that is where the violation comes in. I feel like somehow I cannot express myself anymore because it will be used against me. There have been many days where I want to share my happiness, sadness or frustration and I have felt like I cannot. I don’t have the right to be happy publicly because someone else might find that offensive. I dislike password protected entries because I feel like if I want to share it here I should not hide have to hide it. Also some of what I express is not because that person in my past holds any importance at all, it is because my emotions are very important and part of the healing process should be able to open myself up again.

What is worse, my life is still being invaded in the form of posting of my personal pictures or things about me… yet I refuse to play that game. Even now, posting this I am concerned that some kind of retaliation in the form of written abuse will come off it.

I don’t know how long it will take for the other person to realize that they are just not welcome in my life any longer but that they are truly not wanted. I wish nothing bad upon others, but eventually the attempt of contact has to stop. I do not want any kind of relationship at all with that person and crave the freedom to just go on with my life not even having to guard what I post on my blog, or have to change my phone number once again.

Every story has two sides and I own my side of it. I am not perfect and I made a lot of mistakes in not just the last couple of years but probably over the past 7 years of my life. I thought this whole time I was learning how to not live for other but for myself and it took a lot of pain to realize that I was trying to make everyone around me happy and not myself… even when I was trying not to. Then I saw the light, even though I was brainwashed into believing that the craving to be myself was selfishness, I woke up. It would have been a lot harder if I did not know I was in the wrong place in my life, but my mind had been telling me for a while that I should have gotten out long ago, I just did not have the courage for a lot time and let things like guilt and false hope manipulate me.

What is worse is that I really want to tell my story. I am sure that there are many men out there that are verbally or even physically abused and think it is ok. I am sure that my story could help someone… but then again, the story has two sides and what to me was hell to someone else could have been just normal every day life.

This entry is going to drive Dan nuts… because I bet more people will comment here than any of the other 3 entries that spilled out of my brain today. Yesterday marked the start of my 4th year of blogging… I cannot believe it. Before you say, happy Bloggyversity or whatever it is supposed to be said, check out this entry… and promise to comment more.

I have been called sentimental many times, and it was not until I read this post that I realized that for me it has a different meaning in Spanish than in English. I think in English must of the time, but the blog world has made me reconnect with many Colombians and when I read their blogs, for some reason my brain starts to think in Spanish or bilingual mode again. It made me sad to know that I somehow began to think of the word sentimental in a negative way.

I blame myself first, for letting the environment and society teach me that sentimental is not a good thing. It is amazing how many people have told me that being sentimental is just not good. While I have understood that applying your feelings to for example your professional relationships is not a good thing, I believe that in life being sentimental is a positive thing… but how could I forget about that?

I have also been called passionate by many of my bosses. Some of them used it as a negative remark… one of them telling me that I was too passionate about what I did and I needed to just not care so much. That same boss believes that people at a certain level of the company did not matter. Glad I do not work there anymore. Even though I have had the word Passionate used towards me in a negative way I did not make it negative in my head. Sentimental though, definitely has changed from someone that cares about feelings to someone that gets carried by their feelings… but somehow when I think of the word in Spanish, which by the way is spelled the same and pronounced almost exactly, in a more positive light.

It could be the emphasis on the syllable of the word, in Spanish the last syllable is the one that gets it, SentimentAl, in English the second to last SentimEntal. Maybe the whole mental thing is what has turned it into a bad word.

I have always been bothered by the dating world and the thought those women want a sensitive guy… I say bullshit, must woman do not want a sensitive guy. Same with the whole, I want a funny guy. I think the guy that treats woman like crap is the one that has more luck in the dating world. I know one of my close friends will agree with me, he is both a sensitive and nice guy and has had a tough time finding even people to date… and he is actually funny, the other word that gets town around.

So I am looking for you guys to tell me that I am wrong, and that here in the US being Sentimental is not a bad thing… that society and people around you or even you don’t consider being sentimental (not over sentimental) a bad thing.

Thanks for all the get well wishes! Maybe that is what actually got me better. I cannot believe I got better this quick, I truly thought I was going to have to go to a hospital, but I pulled through. I seriously did have a lot of people actually worried for me and maybe the remote “taking care” of me is what got me through. In any case, I want to thank the people that care for me for pulling me through this one.

I don’t get sick all that often, but I am a total baby when I get really sick. I have heard that most men are. I still go to work while I am really sick, but this time I truly question that decision not just by me but the people in my office that got me sick. In today’s world of being able to work remotely, I think it is a bad decision to bring bugs into the office when people can stay home until they get better. Also, the whole sick day policy at times is very inadequate, but that is a whole other post.

Talking to people while being sick I realized that there was something going on this past week. Almost everyone I talked to regardless of geographical location was or knew someone close that was sick with some form of cold or flu.

Of my last travel, I only wish I could blog about it… I have so much to day but travel related trips I guess don’t get blogged about… If you are sick, I hope you too get better.

Right now I just want to be home. Why haven’t they invented a teleporting machine yet… I would be almost willing to risk the whole fly thing. Before I would have been excited to be blogging from an airport but right now I just want to be home. Traveling when you are sick is even worse. 102+ F fever is something that I have only experienced once before and man it just messes with your bodies’ ability to function. I have to remember that beer does not necessarily hydrate you.

I used to love to travel, but I have traveled so much in the past couple of months that I just want to spend an extended period of time home. I have been in so many planes that I almost feel like telling the flight attendant to take a break and I will do the in flight announcement. I also need to get another book because it seems like the world is flat just keeps on putting me to sleep in the plane and I think I have read the same chapter more than a couple of times.

Then we have the series of passengers that are just freaking annoying. The first class blazer wearing traveler with the “I think I have more money than God has patience” attitude, I love when I get to sit right next to one of them that end up reeking of alcohol and just make the whole trip unpleasant. The only good thing about first class is that you can actually have your bubble respected and there is no armrest fighting. When I am not in first class I try to at least get a sit towards the front, it seems to me like the ride feels a little less bumpy, but today I got to sit all the way in the back (I have not done that in years) and it was actually a good experience. I did not have anyone sit right next to me and it was great.

I think in my life as an air traveler I have only had two good people that I sat next to. One was a firefighter and the other one was someone that slept the whole way. The rest have always made me uncomfortable on one way or another. If they are reading something my curiosity always gets the best of me and I have to glance making me feel like I am invading the privacy. If they want to talk, must of the time the conversation is either not interesting or way to personal. My stomach is not feeling all that great so I am not even going to get into the different odors that I had to endure before.

At least I have gotten to see some interesting places, but with most of the travel being work related I just long for a whole month of just being home. Thank God that winter has not really hit yet or it would have not been pretty. Sleeping in an airport is not a something that you can actually put in your resume.

I have lost two people close to me to suicide. The first was one of my classmates in 1992, he hung himself to have his best friend find him. The other one was just a couple of years ago. I am posting this because Daniel posted it and it made me feel like I should also spread the word, so shamelesly stealing the rest of his post…

… bigger question: Why is the U.S. government making moves to shutdown the 1-800-SUICIDE hotline, which has provided an invaluable service to over 2 million callers?

From May 1998 to October 2001 and from January 2005 until now the hotline has survived on donated proceeds from the Take Action Tour and the support of organizations like the National Mental Health Association. Why? Because the Federal government is not giving this non-profit the $300,000 of already appropriated and earmarked funds that are still owed. As one can see by reading the termination notice sent to the non-profit, the hotline’s total amount owed is far less than the amount owed to the non-profit by the government. According to 1-800-SUICIDE’s website, SAMHSA:

… quietly filed with the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) on December 13th, 2006 to pull the private lines held by KBHC/1-800-SUICIDE.

This underhanded grab at these lines is taking place after two years of private communication and months of public debate ending with a commitment from SAMHSA to review and pay 1-800 SUICIDE’s claim on August 25th, 2006.

So what? What’s the big deal?

There are some valid concerns about the goverment taking control of this hotline.

1. The U.S. government is statutorily prohibited from funding social service programs outside its borders. This would mean the hotline would go dead in Canada, and plans to expand the hotline into Mexico would end.
2. Privacy. There are concerns that the goverment, and you know how they like to categorize people, will create a blacklist of callers. This could potentially keep a person, who went through a very bad time in their life, who got help and moved on, from bettering themselves by getting jobs police officers, air traffic controllers and so forth.

Granted, the Kristin Brooks Hope Center (KBHC) handed over 1-800-SUICIDE to the Feds, but only after they were told that privacy issues would be worked out. The issue remains: When the operators of 1-800-SUICIDE were already working with the government, except in turning over private data, what is the real motivation for this attemptive takeover by the government?

How can you help?

I’m glad you asked! You can help by writing letters to the FCC, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and the Acting Director of SAMHSA. You should also check out the web site for 1-800-SUICIDE. You can start by reading their history/FAQ. If you feel so inclined, donating money will be the most effective way to make an immediate positive impact.

1-800-SUICIDE, mental, illness, hotline, government, SAMHSA, FCC, suicide.

I consider myself a pretty good dancer. I love to dance, but believe it or not I did not learn how to dance until I moved to the US. When I was younger I learned how to dance to Merengue, but that is a pretty basic dance. I also did a lot of dancing to club music but it was not until my Mom started teaching me how to dance at holiday parties that I truly started to learn Salsa which is what I think I can do best now.

I saw my little cousins this holiday dancing with my Mom and it reminded me of how I learned from her. My Mom and one of my uncles are excellent dancers, moving through the floor with easy and precision. I am not up to their level, but I hope someday to be able to look as cool and natural as they do when they dance.

Cali, the city I was born in Colombia is known for its party atmosphere. Every December the city transforms into the Salsa capital of the world. There are many good dancers there and I am sure they are way better than anything I have seen here in the US. I really hope to spend my next Christmas vacation in Colombia so that I can party there like I have never done before.

From ballroom dancing to the samba street dancing in Rio de Janeiro, dance is an expression of culture. It is a form of art that a lot more people should use to express themselves. So many emotions can be expressed through dance and I feel that people don’t embrace it here in the US as much as they maybe do in other countries. I know there are a lot of dancers here in the US and dance, but I am talking about the average American being really passionate about dancing. Maybe I need to go to the south and see how line dancing is a part of life down there. I know that a lot of people in the northern states see dance as something you do in clubs and are amazed to find out that every new years at my family’s party there is dancing going on.

A lot of protestant Christian churches frown upon dancing. We have all seen foot lose I hope. It is a reality for a lot of people in many places in a America to see dancing not as a form of art but a gateway to evil. That and the prohibition of secular music has been one of the hardest things for me to swallow when it comes to that flavor of Christianity.

The word party is not a synonymous of dancing for many Americans. When I hear the word party, I think of dancing. Nothing wrong with a simple dinner party and just conversation and drinks, but believe me once you have experienced a party where you can dance all night long it will be hard for you to not want to be a part of it every opportunity you have.

Dance, Party, Celebration, Religion, Christianity, Merengue, Salsa, Ballroom, Art, Expression.