My So Called Personal Life

I used to never post about my personal life, then little by little I started to open up and post more and more. I went through some rough waters and even though I had some of my situation out in the open, not by my choice, I chose to take the high road and not start a very public online air out your dirty laundry.

At the same time, I felt very violated when it came to my online life. Sure this is not the most important part of my life but it is a part of it. This blog has been my outlet for years now and even though I even consider closing it all together, I realized that there is a lot of value to what I do here. I think what I write has value for other people, but what I write here has a lot of value to me.

I like expressing my opinions, but I have realized that I also like expressing my emotions and that is where the violation comes in. I feel like somehow I cannot express myself anymore because it will be used against me. There have been many days where I want to share my happiness, sadness or frustration and I have felt like I cannot. I don’t have the right to be happy publicly because someone else might find that offensive. I dislike password protected entries because I feel like if I want to share it here I should not hide have to hide it. Also some of what I express is not because that person in my past holds any importance at all, it is because my emotions are very important and part of the healing process should be able to open myself up again.

What is worse, my life is still being invaded in the form of posting of my personal pictures or things about me… yet I refuse to play that game. Even now, posting this I am concerned that some kind of retaliation in the form of written abuse will come off it.

I don’t know how long it will take for the other person to realize that they are just not welcome in my life any longer but that they are truly not wanted. I wish nothing bad upon others, but eventually the attempt of contact has to stop. I do not want any kind of relationship at all with that person and crave the freedom to just go on with my life not even having to guard what I post on my blog, or have to change my phone number once again.

Every story has two sides and I own my side of it. I am not perfect and I made a lot of mistakes in not just the last couple of years but probably over the past 7 years of my life. I thought this whole time I was learning how to not live for other but for myself and it took a lot of pain to realize that I was trying to make everyone around me happy and not myself… even when I was trying not to. Then I saw the light, even though I was brainwashed into believing that the craving to be myself was selfishness, I woke up. It would have been a lot harder if I did not know I was in the wrong place in my life, but my mind had been telling me for a while that I should have gotten out long ago, I just did not have the courage for a lot time and let things like guilt and false hope manipulate me.

What is worse is that I really want to tell my story. I am sure that there are many men out there that are verbally or even physically abused and think it is ok. I am sure that my story could help someone… but then again, the story has two sides and what to me was hell to someone else could have been just normal every day life.

7 comments on “My So Called Personal Life

  1. Reading this made me think of my own feelings when I was getting divorced. What I posted on my weblog was actually being used against me, and I wanted to quit, but someone made me see that I had been blogging for too long. This person made me see that keeping a weblog was a good thing for me, and that I shouldn’t let anyone take that away from me.

    I understand how you feel, and I’m sorry you have to go through this. Yes, there are always two sides of every story, but it’s sad when you can’t tell yours, fearing the other part will just twist everything to their convenience. But it will only show what you two are really made of, and if anyone has anything to say about you, they should say it to your face, not hiding through password protected weblogs. I think it’s coward and lame, and it makes me furious.

    I for one have always enjoyed reading your weblog, and I appreciate you and love you a lot. You’re a good person, John. Your past doesn’t define you, what you think have been mistakes, are only steps on the road to knowing yourself and knowing what you want from life. Sometimes we have to cross paths with people who bring in pain, to fully understand what we have inside.

    And before making of this comment another weblog post, I just want to tell you that you should feel free to write about whatever you feel and whatever you believe in. Just do it wisely, with words you won’t have to regret some day. Remember we’re the owners of what we keep, and the slaves of what we say.

    Sursum corda, sweetie. This too shall pass.

  2. There is no reason why you can’t speak your peace on your own blog. Other people may take offense to it, but that’s their problem. You can’t help that. I don’t blog at all because I like to share my life with a select few. You being one of them. You know I love ya! You know who your true friends and how we all feel for you. If there is anything you need to get off your chest in a blog, then I say, “Go For It!”

  3. Do not let this random person control what goes on or how you feel. You have had this blog far too long. I remember you were one of the very first people to read and enjoy my blog. Don’t leave. Along with this random troll of a person, you also have a huge community of people who love and read your blog on a daily basis…


  4. @ Bea: “Remember we’re the owners of what we keep, and the slaves of what we say.” — I like that quote a lot, who does it come from?

    @ John: ((hugs))

  5. Even though I know I censor myself for many of the reasons you described, I still offer up the fact that it’s your page and you should be able to write what you want to write about (I’m such a hypocrite, I know).

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