The intentional provokation of hate and anger. It makes deciding to leave a lot easier when you come to this realization.

I’ve promised never to never make excuses for an abusers conduct and/or be emotionally blackmailed again and/or emotionally blackmail another person.

When we learn better, We choose better, We experience better.

Over the past 4 and a half years, I’ve been involved with a man whom I orginally thought was just having the blues on occasion. Over time it got worse. He could be conscious and so caring one moment and then within minutes turn into the ultimate poor me/victim type. Yes, now I feel like a total idiot now that I see this, he smoked dope (the real potent stuff) nearly every night, is obese, calls on his friends to give him “pain killer” pills, downs anti-depressants, and then, of course, slams down hard liquor with beer chasers (and many at that) whenever he has a gig.

I fell in love with the “good” in him - he can be very charming, tried to be supportive, and really cared for him deeply even though at least half the time was spent, for me, trying to heal from the effects of his “blues” times. Yet, I still considered him my best friend and looked forward to spending time with him and his calls.

Out of the blue (pardon the pun), he stopped calling me after Thanksgiving weekend (which he told me he really enjoyed). I fell apart after four weeks of not hearing a peep from him and finally received an email six weeks later telling me that he is miserable, he is in a constant state of guilt because he can’t say “no” to me, and says I’m controlling. He went on to say that he can no longer be in a “relationship” with me, but wants to be friends (what the heck does that mean, esp. since he’s been unable to be “physical” for eons). My intuition told me that he didn’t write that letter, which was confirmed. Instead, he involved some of his “family” members who’s ideas and statements were included in the letter.

I went and got some expert help (probably the sanest thing I’ve done in a long time). I learned so much and was described to have suffered “severe emotional abuse” in this relationship. The doctors couldn’t understand why I still loved this man so much and helped me figure out that I was dealing either with a person with a personality disorder (boderline or at least disfunctional) OR someone with clinical depression.

Long story short, I assumed the clinical depression footprint and that his use of drugs and his reactions were a means for dealing with the pain of clinical depression. When I described the results to him (in writing), he and his family responded with the statements that him using drugs all had to do with his brother’s death (but that can’t be because his brother passed away, expectedly, two years ago) and my “friend” has been using for years and that continual every day use of pot is not problematic. He and his family also say that my “intervention” letter was irresponsible, that I’m controlling, that my putting the issues in writing as well as telling him what I’ve had to go through is a form of “emotional blackmail.”

The psych/AA/NA folks that I asked for advice simply respond with the statement that my friend is in denial, as is his family, and that they probably feel a lot of guilt because they should have done some type of intervention years ago, esp. since his sister is a counselor, and are angry that I “called the kettle black.”

I tried to explain the situation to his family members, but that was only received with abusive reactions (telling others untrue and very disturbing things about me to try to ruin my reputation), referring to me as a stalker because I called several times to get in touch with my friend (I admit was having a very difficult time those two days and just wanted to chat - nevertheless, ideally, I shouldn’t have called so many times) and dishing out a constant stream of lies during my last visit. I’m still shaking over this entire situation. Most of all, I’ve never been told that I was “controlling” nor “an emotional blackmailer.”

My long time friends tell me that he’s emotionally bankrupt and comes from a world of addiction and this is how such a person responds. I simply can’t tell - are he and his family the blackmailers or am I? I was just trying to help, provide an intervention of sorts, so my friend would have factual information to discuss with a therapist (or so I hope he does, but that’s his call whether or not to deal with in a proactive way). I haven’t been able to sleep for days now.

I don’t know how to take all that has happened…Any suggestions - please, just be truthful. I’m so tired of weeding out his lies and the who said what to whom scenarios and truly need others to just be frank with me. Thanks!

I stopped speaking to my own mother for about three years because I was tired of, not just the things she would say to me, but the way those things made me feel. You’re right–we can’t control our emotions because we feel the way we feel, but we do have control over our own environments.

Though I talk to her now and our relationship is better (not great, mind you, but better), I’ve learned that I can’t control other people’s behavior, but I can control my own reactions. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t let myself feel my emotions because they’re valild, but I can choose not to let the person hurt me. It isn’t easy, though, especially when it’s a loved one.

This is, indeed, a great post. You must love and take care of your own heart before you can confidently share it with others.

*hugs*

I am always stunned when I discover that someone I trust, knowing my vulnerabilities because I’ve been guileless with them, would even consider emotional blackmail. However, how they treat me speaks volumes about them and nothing about me. As I get older it gets easier not to do the guilt dance as someone fires emotional bullets at my feet.

Unfortunately, people are people and sometimes they will try that passive-aggresive stuff. The trick is not to be emotionally mortally wounded by it.

Great post!