“Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, “forget it,” or “it will pass,” or “it could be worse” — all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, “It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process.”
–Peter Koestenbaum

I have battled forms of depression my whole life. It has never been as apparent to me as it has been over the last couple of years when I finally faced my demons. I finally tapped into the whole dark side of things and let myself feel all the pain that I had been stashing away all this time.

I am positive by nature, I like to be happy and I like to look at the bright side of things. I used that strategy to mask my true feelings about situations in the past and just gloss over everything with false expectations about not just life but even those around me. I used to think that because I felt like I gave a lot in a relationship that I should receive the same… but time and time I was left feeling like my relationships were one sided, which in many instances they were.

I have a lot of good friends, and the ones that are still a part of my life have been for a long time now. A lot of people might not understand that the roots of our relationships are so cemented that we don’t need to talk all the time to keep our relationships strong. That is just how it is with most of whom I now consider my good friends. I have also lost relationships with good friends because of me being so stubborn and outspoken, I now understand that the things I might have said might make others feel judged. We grow, we learn, we live and in the process affect others and vice versa.

With the help of my love I have grown quite a bit as a person, the process was started before we met but with her in mind I have been able to push further than I ever thought I could. I am not always right, not even in my own universe. I have a lot to offer as a person and I do not need to show it to anyone, the people that see it and feel it do not need to be reminded… if they do they are not going to appreciate me no matter how hard I try.

I have been depressed and I stayed in the feeling and learned from it. It has made me stronger and more aware of who I am, of what I want out of life, of what I believe in. I do not have all the answers but at least I now understand where I came from and why the journey at times seems unfair. It is simply because life at times is not fair, but only us as individuals can we decide how we let life affect who we are, only I can make the choice to let something affect me or not. I have lots (or loads like Harry Potter says) to be happy about, and a lot more to come. It is a dark road out there at times, but don’t ever feel like you are alone, like there is no light… sometimes it just takes reaching out to find it.

4 comments on “Depression

  1. I love that quote. I did a post once, about the frustration of people who try to “one-up” whenever you might be going through something tough. It sounds like you’ve been able to utilize your friendship in a positive way to help yourself grow.

  2. You may have read this in my blog at one point or another but I agree with what you say above. I too have had bouts (some more serious than others) with depression and I have over time find that if I just let it be and sit with it, rahter than fighting it and trying to push mysel fout of it it acutally passes more quickly.

  3. It’s so much easier to numb yourself and not feel uncomfortable feelings like depression. Keep it up!

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